Misplaced.

Turns out my blog name is quite fitting after all.

I couldn't be more lost or feel more alone than I do at this very moment.

Everything I've thought to be true my entire life is crumbling around me and I have nothing to grab to catch my fall.

What is right and wrong? Which direction should I go? Is there such a thing as a wrong path?

So many questions and so few answers.

I fear I'm back to where I started 10 months ago on this journey, like I've done a complete 360 with nothing to show for it.

Who am I? What do I want from this life? What do I want to accomplish? Why do I care so much what others think?

It seems that inner voice is being drowned out by the noise around me.

It's all I can do to keep on. But I'm trying. Cause that's all I've got right now.

I'm Back!

Sorry it's been so long.

It was easier to not even think for a while. Plus it made marital relations much more harmonious and bearable.

But we're back at it.

And I feel myself slipping into another funk.

I need to talk. To anyone. Without judgment.

More than anything else in this entire world... More than my desire for world peace or a master's degree or plastic surgery...

I want to be free!

I want to be able to live MY life as I want. I want to LIVE!

And as hard as I try, I just can't seem to do it.

I fear I will always have this piece of me that will always be plagued by mormonism in one way or another.

Will I ever truly find me? The person under it all? Beneath the fears and insecurities?

Sigh.

This thought has plagued me for a couple weeks now. I just can't shake it.

And every time I allow myself to dwell on it my face dumps these giant crocodile tears.

I am overwhelmed and saddened by the harsh reality of it all.

I want to be magically transported into a new dimension.

But alas, this is my fate.

Why does one attend church?

After months of not going to regular Sunday services I decided to go with the family this past Sunday. I had bought the children Easter outfits only to learn that Easter and General Conference fall on the exact same day. So, I opted to attend the week before Easter.

It turned out to be fast and testimony Sunday, a time when anyone can get up and share their testimony. One brother stood and I instantly knew what was coming. All suspicions proved true as he professed to be a doctor of sorts without any medical degree spewing all sorts of odd information about vitamins and herbs and the uses they possess. After almost 10 minutes of this nonsense I decided I had had enough and I exited the chapel. Unfortunately my husband had the keys, so all I could do was walk the halls. The ridiculous so-called testimony continued, as it can be heard in all parts of the church. After "milk is poison" I consciously stopped listening until the very end after he had closed his testimony "in the name of Jesus Christ". He then uttered, "and I can back up all of this with documentation." I wish so much I was in there and had raised my hand to ask for it at that very moment, but no... nothing like that. I just shook my head and continued to wonder why I was there.

I was missing my yoga class for this?

Then a second man arose to bear his testimony. Again, nothing related to church or anything spiritual on any level... a bunch of crap about who knows what. I again tuned it out.

Luckily my son had a soccer game and it gave us an early out. After sacrament we left.

The very next day my visiting teachers dropped in. (Code: bring your kids and let them destroy my house.) This particular time there were only 2 children who were actually pretty well behaved, but on numerous occasions I have had as many as 6 children when mine were in school. My home became something of a daycare and it was never quite the same when they left as when they arrived.

After visiting for a short while they told me they had found a message they wanted to share with me. This particular month she had chosen her very own message from a previous conference talk. I can think of many things that could be shared that might have been uplifting to me or of some value, but the message they shared was absolutely not- either.

She proceeds to tell me that she just loved this talk. The apostle said that "in the last days the very elect will be deceived." She then goes on to say, "You need to be reading your book of mormon daily so that you don't fall prey to this. It is also your responsibility to teach your children all they need to know because you will be held ultimately responsible."

Seriously? Of all the messages she could share this is what she chooses? Does she not know that I have heard this at least a hundred times already? A very inappropriate message... insensitive in every way. Do they think they are better than me? If so, it only further proves my argument that mormons are the most judgmental people I know.

Why not just shoot me now because I'm certain I'm going to hell!

We talked briefly about the testimony meeting the previous day and I told her that it was definitely not great and that I wouldn't be back anytime soon. "I go to church to be spiritually fed and this didn't do it for me."

She then says that she has decided it is up to us as individuals to fill our own spiritual cups and that we cannot rely on others to do that for us.

So, then- I am left with only one question, Why do we even go to church if it is not to be fed spiritually? If we go with the intentions of not having our cups filled- then why? We can fill our own cups at home or at Yoga or from a book. Then why?

It seems asinine to me, which is exactly what I told her- to which I felt bad then saying it in front of a 2 year old and a baby. I apologized, but in all honesty... there is no other word for it.

If we don't go to church to be uplifted or fed spiritually... if we leave feeling worse than when we went...

What is the purpose? Why then does one attend church?

Is it to socialize? (Because I can think of many people I'd rather spend my time with.)

Is it out of fear? (Because I'm already going to hell regardless- according to them.)

Is it to fulfill a calling? (Because that is a lame reason and they can replace you.)

Is it to gossip? Is it fear of judgment?

Is it because you can think of nothing better to do?

Why? Why do you go to church?

more painful realizations

Today I had lunch with my husband at subway of all places. It's his favorite, so I'm making efforts. I had a roast beef sandwich. It was ok, but the conversation was less than. I really haven't talked with him at all about anything burdening me for some time, particularly about religion. It's been totally off limits. It makes life together bearable. But I miss being able to share my thoughts with him. Mostly, I miss having something that connects us emotionally. I know we have our children, but is that enough?

This last week I had the opportunity to spend some time with my oldest sister. I don't even know what we were talking about, but whatever it was made me think about the Osmond boy who recently committed suicide. When I first read it my heart literally ached- for like days. I know that he was a mormon and that he was gay. Beyond that I really know nothing about him. I can only assume that he was not accepted by his community, his family, or his network of friends and aquaintances. See, in the mormon faith homosexuality is a sin and not tolerated or accepted. As much as they preach about such principles as loving thy neighbor as thyself, it is not actually practiced.

This is going to sound out there because I have absolutely nothing in common with this kid, but I feel like I do. I know how difficult it is to long to be something other than what you are and to want acceptance from family and friends. I know what it is like to feel alone and to not feel like you fit in or have anyone to talk to. I know what it is like to be judged by those you love who are closest to you. I know what it is like to feel like you are in the depths of despair and that there is no other way out. It is a painful, lonely place. I know because I have been there.

As I talked with my sister about this she defended the position of the church. She said that he didn't have to change who he was. He just needed to practice restraint and to not act on his desires, that if he could do that he would have an entire network of support. "We must bridle our passions." Am I the only one who thinks this response is ludicrous? I can't help but think how crazy and judgmental that sounds... maybe if he was accepted as he was this could have been prevented. She didn't see it quite like that, something about the choices he had. According to her it had nothing to do with the mormons. I went on to say that the church is imperfect in many of their teachings. To which she replied, "The church is perfect, the people aren't." If I hear this phrase one more time I may just scream. I could see that nothing I said was going to make us see eye to eye, so I stopped.

I've been thinking about this conversation for days now and so I decided to take the opportunity to talk with my husband about it over lunch. I don't know why I was surprised, but he had the same response as my sister. It was not fault of the church or their teachings or the people in it... he chose that. He also said that now his family will carry guilt and that is not fair to them. I feel bad for the family, but think that maybe they should carry some guilt. Again, this is a boy who struggled to fit in and feel accepted. He battled depression and cried out for help multiple times.

Maybe I am more empathetic due to my history and circumstances, but I really think that mormons are some of the most intolerant, judgmental people I know. It makes me sad to think that this didn't have to be the end for him. He was just 18 years old and had his entire life before him.

I now realize that I may never be able to go back to mormonism. I also realize that as a mormon it is only through conforming to mormon ideals that you are truly accepted and not judged; a very hypocritical way to live one's life, yet seems to be the norm amongst mormons alike.

This has also made me realize that maybe that's why I stayed a mormon for so many years, it's just easier to conform than to break away and think differently or have original thoughts.

I also have realized just how much I have lived to please others and how much I long for other's acceptance of me. It is exhausting to constantly be judged. It wears you down and slowly strips away your self worth. It is lonely to feel that you have no one to talk to that will accept you as you are. And it is scary to have thoughts that go against mainstream.

Attempting to leave the mormon church has been a painful, eye opening experience.

Now I just have to figure out how to exist without it and to not be affected by their constant judgments. Like most things this is easier said than done, as I live with people that don't think as I do on a daily basis. And growing a thicker skin is something that doesn't happen over night.

I'm actually not even sure how to put one foot in front of the other some days, but that is what I am attempting to do as I struggle to find my way. I want to be ok with the voice inside my head, even when it stands alone.

Breaking the cycle.

As I pull farther away from the mormon ways and the mormon mentality I find myself pulling away from everyone and anyone that is connected or associated with mormonism; perhaps subconscious in nature- a sort of coping mechanism if you will.

My mother called me the other day and we chatted for a while. Then she told me that she missed me. I made up some excuse as to why I haven't been available, but I guess I didn't even realize that I had stopped calling, maybe even stopped answering.

Talking to my mother has never been easy for me. Over the years we talked on an almost daily basis and most times ended with tears or feelings of guilt or frustration on my part. She is a very controlling person and without even realizing it she judges. She judges everything- both your thoughts and your actions. I have never truly been allowed to be me or to think for myself. The conversations were only good when we talked about things she wanted to or I agreed with her on whatever subject matter it was for that day. It is exhausting, always trying to please someone for fear of their judgment.

The one thing I fear most in the whole world is the thought that I am becoming her. And just admitting that makes me feel like such a horrible person. It's not that she's a bad person. She has many good qualities. She is kind, thoughtful, giving, generous, organized, and intelligent, as well as many other things that most people adore about her.

But she was never warm and fuzzy. I don't remember ever having much affection as a child. Dad was gone a lot traveling and she ran the show alone most of the time. She kept pretty much to herself and made sure we understood that "you don't air your dirty laundry." She never played with me or my siblings- perhaps there was never any time with all the gardening, canning, and running children here or there. She never accepted orthodox medicine and to this day is still in denial about her own mental health issues. The one thing that most disturbs me is the degree of control she exhibits over me. I am married with children. When will it stop?

I am trying desperately to allow my children to make choices for themselves and to teach them that it's ok to question things, but there are days that it is hard for me. I am a perfectionist and like to have things a certain way. There are days I have let my daughter do her own hair or dress herself only to worry that people will think less of me as a mother.

I would like to break the cycle, but I'm not sure how. And for whatever reason, I associate her imperfections and personality flaws with her being mormon. It may or may not be connected, but it makes me want to have nothing to do with her right now.

It leaves me in a lonely place, as I struggle to figure out my place in this world minus mormonism.

Chicken.

I haven't written in some time now. I guess I needed a break. Although my mind doesn't seem to rest much, it's been in over-drive lately and I needed to let it process the material already input before I added more. It might even be time to do some purging of files up there. It's pretty full. Wouldn't it be great if it was really that easy? I do think our minds are amazing, having the capability and capacity to take in such massive amounts of information and somehow process and store all of it.

This weekend I had an opportunity to visit with family. I was prepared for some sort of confrontation, but I got there and realized that it was not the right time. My dad was celebrating his birthday and I wanted the weekend to be about him. So, in other words- I chickened out. I bunked with my sister and tried really hard to keep things light and fun. It was a success, or so I thought.

Last night I called her to ask a quick question and before I hung up she asked me what was going on. I said, "nothing." To which she boldy asked, "Why are you not wearing your garments?" I was very discreet and always covered. I never thought it would be an issue.

I was a bit surprised by the fact that she noticed and that she was actually asking. I wasn't quite sure what to say. I was totally on the spot. I have been accused of being confrontational and I really don't want that right now in my life, especially after such a nice weekend.

I took a deep breath and just told her that I didn't believe and that there was no point in my wearing them. She wanted more, but that was all I was willing to give.

There was a long pause on the phone and then she said, "Well, I just want you to know that I will love you regardless of what you believe." I told her I appreciated those words, which I do. I'm just not 100% convinced that she means them.

She also doesn't know the full extent of my feelings and I know that there are no secrets in my family. Everyone knows everyone's business. I'm pretty good about not spreading gossip. I hate it. There have been times that one of my sisters will share a secret and ask me not to tell anyone only to keep it to myself and then find out 3 years later that everyone already knew.

So, I'm worried now that within weeks or maybe even days everyone will know this about me. I'm worried most because there is a girl's trip planned for April and I would really like to go and not have any issues or contention.

I also know that as much as mormons try not to, they all judge. In the new testament there are several different times that they talk about this very thing. "Judge not, that you be not judged. For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you." -Matthew 7:1-2

As much as I love my family, at times it seems like it would be so much easier to be in a family where you truly are accepted for who you are regardless of differences.

My mother has some sort of strange powerful control over all of us. I ended up at church even though I totally didn't want to go and dreaded every minute. If I didn't have church clothes she was sure to find them for me.

During sacrament my sister who had already left texted me about the obese woman sitting on top of her. I was trying to comfort her and we texted back and forth for a while. I thought my mom would blow a gasket because I was "texting" during church. Seriously? I'm 37. I'm at church. What more does she want?

Let me make my own decisions and stop judging me. Stop making me feel guilty for not believing what you believe. I am a big girl now and need to be treated as such.

I wish so much I could voice those thoughts, instead I share them on an anonymous blog.

I am a big chicken.

my head hurts.

When I decided to take a break from church I immediately did what I do best... research. When I don't know something and no one seems willing to share answers, google never lets me down. I'm so thankful for the immediate gratification. My mind can be insatiable at times.

My eyes have been opened. It's an amazing process to finally become aware that everything you've thought to be true your entire life may in fact not be. It's a confusing place to be as you reflect on the past and attempt to live in the present with the new found realizations. I have never lived outside of the mormon bubble, if you will. What now?

After weeks of reading and not sleeping well as my mind tries to process all of this information... I've decided my head hurts. I'm tired of all this thinking. Although I realize that it is imperative to the healing process, I also think a break from all this thinking is in order.

I'm sure as hard as I try there will be nights, such as this one, that my mind doesn't want to turn off. Maybe I need to allow some time to fully process everything I've taken in before I introduce new material. One thing at a time, that is enough for now.

"Insanity is often the logic of an accurate mind overtasked." -Oliver W. Holmes, Sr., The Autocrat of the Breakfast-Table, 1858

Responding

Lisa writes:
"we'll...i get what you're saying about lds women and depression, BUT, i have to disagree with that list. i don't feel that pressure to HAVE to do all of those things....especially being sub-par to my husband. we have different "roles", but we are equal, we're both humans! and many of those things on the list happen in other denominations too...it's all the same, you teach your children, and your childrens children the same beliefs. people want there children to marry within there same faith....ALL churches want people to convert to there system, and even in the old testement, there are strict guidelines for entering the temple, so i'm guessing you have issues with the bible itself. as far as males literally dominating everything within the church- think it's stetching the truth. use the free agency you have, not just by not going to church....but when and if you go back, not doing things you don't want/choose to do!! and choosing not to feel bad/guilty/less than others/not a "good" mormon women/ or as if you're not obeying.....you have that right, it's your life!now i know you're probably annoyed at my comment, but i don't think you should only read what you want to hear. others on here are giving you advice and comments about leaving the church and how wonderful it is, but you can have that same "FREEDOM" feeling still being in the church. you need to decide if you believe the book of mormon, and then YOU choose what your going to do with it, and if you do believe, how your going to move forward within the church differently so it's not only short of impossible for you anymore, but is very tolerable and good!! if you decide you don't believe, do what yo need to do, but i think as you search other churches, you will be disappointed in what they offer too."

In response:
I think the list is to the extreme, but true nonetheless. The church is run by men and everything in the church down to a modesty activity for activity day girls is approved or denied by a man. I have never considered myself a feminist, but am very annoyed with this notion. Whether you believe it or not, women are not equal in the church. Inadequate, imperfect, men run the show. Many of which are power hungry control freaks and I am not just referring to one in particular. Also, in the endowment temple ordinance it states that "women are to obey their husband and hearken unto the counsel of their husbands." Although my husband is not a "controlling" person per se, I have always tried to be a devoted, committed LDS spouse and member by obeying all of the laws and ordinances. I never took this covenant lightly. I was never one to do anything halfhearted and I have struggled with strong feelings of guilt if everything wasn't done perfectly. I'm sure my personality comes into play as well, which only further magnifies and complicates my feelings.

I realize that many of the items on the list pertain to other faiths, but that doesn't make it apply any less to mormons. Perhaps I am agnostic and don't really like the idea of organized religion right now. Although I want my children to be taught about God and right and wrong, etc... I never want them to feel like they have been brainwashed and not allowed to think for themselves or make choices outside of a rigid belief system. I don't know where that leaves me... as I'm still in the process of figuring things out. That's really what this blog is for is to vent and get out all the things I could never say before. (I am currently not in the market for new churches.)

I know that each and every person is different and that this does not affect everyone the same, but for whatever reason there are aspects about the priesthood and hierarchy of the church that I find bothersome- as well as many other things.

I feel like I haven't had much of a say in many things in the church (i.e. sustaining church leaders, gospel principles and doctrine, callings- you never cause any conflict or upheaval). I have seen many things in the 37 years that are disturbing regarding the church, "priesthood authority" being abused specifically. I have reached my max for now and need a break in a desperate way.

I am happy for those that are happy in the mormon faith. Everyone learns and grows in different ways at different rates. We are also at different levels of understanding and acceptance based on experiences. For those that are converts and allowed to make the choice to join of their own free will it might seem different to them. Maybe if they were born under the covenant and spent their entire life utterly and completely committed to nothing but the mormon faith without feeling they could ever live, let alone speak anything to the contrary… it can be overwhelming to say the least- especially when you finally wake up and realize that how you have lived for 37 years is the exact reason that you are unhappy and depressed.

I’m not even exactly sure how I feel and I'm still trying to process it all to determine where the anger and bitterness is rooted specifically. What I do know is that the feelings are real and have been internalized for many years. Now my primary goal is to get to the bottom of it and figure out who I am and how to make decisions for myself and exist without the mormon inconsistencies and falsehoods.

I welcome all thoughts and ideas from both sides.... but need to be free to think through my feelings right now (whatever they may be) without judgment.

Mormon Women and Prozac.

So, a while back a friend told me that Utah had the highest consumption of Prozac than any other state, but I didn’t think much of it at the time.

Skip forward several years.

Then I hit rock bottom. There were many reasons that made me want to stop going to church, but the one thing that ultimately drove me away was depression. Not the kind of depression you can fix with your favorite chocolate or a funny movie. I’m talking the can’t see straight, I’m trapped in a deep, dark hole and can’t get out kind of depression. Not pretty. I had to do some serious soul searching that hurt like hell at times. Reflecting back over the course of my life and all the events that led me to my current frame of mind… I experienced the entire gamut of emotions and then some. But this process was necessary for me. It was very eye opening and scary all the same and left me more than a little confused about my identity.

It was suicide or stop going to church. Obviously I opted for the latter. I’m not sure where this road leads me, but for now it has given me a little peace and moments of happiness.

As I was doing a little reading I came across a study, “Mormon Women, Prozac, and Therapy” by Kent Ponder, Ph.D. As I read the study I found it to be insightful and very validating. I wish so much that I could have had those words available to me 19 years ago. It could have made such a difference in my life. After an attempted suicide at 18 my mother removed me from the hospital I was in because I was “nothing like those people.” She never addressed the issues at hand, never allowed therapy or medication, never admitted there was any problem, and continually told me that I only needed to pray more (among other things along those lines).

My husband who was also born into the mormon faith has told me on numerous occasions that he had all the same lessons as me and doesn’t know how I can feel the way I do. I have had to gently remind him that we are different people and that we process and interpret things differently. Not to mention that we are opposite sexes and don’t see eye to eye on most things.

As I read the article it was a very clear theme throughout: women are affected by depression much more than men, particularly lds women who have been taught to live by a flawed belief system. They discussed three realities for lds woman.

1. For females, "One size fits all."
2. Females obey males from birth to death.
3. Females lack control of their own life choices.

I found their "One Size Fits All Females" list of 24 items to be slightly disturbing and incredibly accurate:

• be respectfully, politely, humbly and gratefully subservient to Mormon males in personal demeanor, activities, beliefs, plans and thought.
• not be, nor aspire to be, nor hope to be, independent from authoritarian males, nor independent in thought.
• attend male-directed religious services.
• participate in male-directed activities. (Even female-led projects are organized under male authorities.)
• attend male-directed weekday seminary classes in addition to academic school.
• obey all male-hierarchy-generated directives.
• submit to male-originated personal-matter (including sexual) private interviews.
• obtain a Patriarchal Blessing which usually promises becoming a mother in Zion if faithful and obedient.
• do genealogy research on male-headed (patriarchal) family lineages.
• marry an LDS man in an LDS temple.
• accept counsel from her husband, and not as just his opinion, but as God-inspired revelation.
• look to her husband as essential to her entry into the best category of Heaven.
• have children, more being far better than few.
• raise all of her children in this exact-same system.
• attend only the chapel assigned to her residence address, regardless of preference.
• accept that if she and family attend any other than this chapel, she and they cannot enter Mormon temples.
• know that her husband may, in the next life, marry numerous additional wives.
• know that she may not marry any additional husband, here (if still married to the first one) or hereafter.
• accept callings to work in church, auxiliary and welfare-project organizations.
• make several forms of financial contributions, ten percent tithing being only one.
• teach her children to become missionaries to convert other individuals into this same system.
• teach this same system to her grandchildren.
• teach her daughters and granddaughters to obey males at home and at church.
• never openly criticize any doctrine, practice, directive or male authority related to any of the above.

Ponder goes on to say that, “many of these women discover that, too often, what they pray for is what keeps them in depression. For these women, ironically and tragically, the more prayer, the more depression!" What a profound concept.

As women we feel more. We are more spiritual, more emotional, more passionate, more intuitive, and more affected by things both in and out of our control.

The world is filled with sadness of all kinds available to us at the push of a button. Wars, natural calamities, sickness, abuse, loss of life, and trials beyond our wildest imaginations are flashed across the television screen on a regular basis. Stories around the world are more widely available and shared more than any time before thanks to an explosion of technological advances. I am deeply affected by the negative things I see and hear.

There are also many demands placed on me by my family, church and community. I am expected to be the family CEO as well as the maid, short order cook, organizer, disciplinarian, comforter, day care provider, scheduler, accountant, chauffeur, counselor, nurse, laundress, entertainer, personal stylist, and educator (as well as many others). I am expected to obey all of the commandments, including the word of wisdom and laws of tithing and chastity, be a submissive wife and woman in the lds community serving to my fullest capacity in service to my god and fellow men, rear my children to be devoted lds servants to ensure entrance to the celestial kingdom and inherit the kingdom of God. Oh, and be beautiful at all times. Nothing short of impossible. As much as I would love to be perfect, this is an unrealistic ideal that will never be attained in this lifetime as hard as I may try.

Yet as lds women we are expected to do this and so much more with very little acknowledgement or appreciation.

Is it any wonder that women take prozac more than men?

Random Thoughts

I'm enjoying my new sense of freedom.

Having said that, I'm also still being plagued with feelings of guilt. Not attending church or wearing garments, watching rated R movies, and occasionally saying a swear word or two seemed like things that would bring instant satisfaction, yet I am still worrying about going to hell or what others might say or think. I don't think these are things that non-mormons would think twice about. I must admit though, love the new undies!

Today the fam and I went tubing in Des Moines. It was a blast. On the way there my sister, Shawna, called me. She wanted to know if we were driving and so I told her we were headed to DesMoines for some tubing. She gave the, "Oh, really" judgmental mom voice. I told her Haldan was on an 8 off and the park was only open on the weekend and we finally caught a break from the rains. I said, "You only live once." She replied, "I hope you don't break your neck and end up paralyzed in a wheelchair. Then you wouldn't be able to live." I think I said something like, "so be it." I wasn't quite sure if the comment was intended to be a slam about breaking the sabbath day or if she was just being a brat. Maybe both.

As much as I'd love to say that I don't care what people think, the comments by my sister today really got to me. (Maybe family comments are worse?) Why can't people just accept others as they are. Why do mormons think that everyone has to be just like them? They have got to be some of the most judgmental people I know. They are constantly trying to convert the world because it is the "one and only true church on the face of the earth." If others don't practice mormonism they won't make it to the "celestial kingdom". They must be converted. Every single time we have missionaries for dinner they want us to give them names of friends and neighbors that they can teach the discussions and convert. I've lived in the mission field (midwest) the better part of my life and after years of the same thing it gets super old. I finally had to start telling them that I would only feed them if they didn't ask for names at our house. We had them over for Easter and they arrived early. I went to let them in, but they were nowhere to be found. Turns out they were tracting our neighborhood in an attempt to share a mormon Easter message. I was super annoyed, but said nothing. These are people who are already committed in their faiths, celebrating the holiday with friends and family, and do they really want mormon missionaries stopping by and bugging them? My guess would be not. They get to go home, but I live by these people.

I actually believe that there are really good people out there that do not attend church. I also believe that there are many churches that are good and God would never deny good christian people from heaven because they are not mormon. Unfortunately it seems to be the general consensus from mormons alike; a very unchristian-like mentality.

My husband has been really great this past week. He has certainly been trying to be understanding and told me that I didn't have to go to church unless I wanted to. The strange thing is that since I stopped going there have been several weeks that he hasn't gone either. In the beginning he made it quite clear that he would take the children and what I did was up to me. Now it seems more and more like he is also looking for excuses to not go. I could be reading it all wrong, but the tubing today was totally his idea. He has said that he does not believe the same way that I do and that he has a strong testimony in the mormon faith, but his actions don't always seem to reflect that.

I have tried to not discuss anything "religion" with him and have been available to be with him when he wants. I've also done my reading and soul searching when he is not around. It seems to be keeping the peace better at home and has made a huge difference in our relationship.

Are PRAYERS really answered?

This is not going to be a post full of deep quotes or philosophical insights even though I know there are endless amounts available. Instead I wanted to just share my simple thoughts that keep me awake at night.

We’ve all sat through the fast and testimony meetings and heard the typical stories about some miracle in a person’s life based on a humble prayer. They pray that their car will start and it does. Or they feel inner turmoil and are given peace. They pray for healing and are miraculously cured. Those sorts of things. But never have I ever once heard how someone prayed for something and it didn’t happen. It seems strange to me considering that most of the prayers uttered are more likely not answered than are. It also leads to me to wonder how many prayers are merely coincidences. Maybe the car would have started regardless of whether that prayer was offered. People find peace from external factors and are healed thanks to doctors and modern medicines and advances (no prayers). On the flip side, many people’s cars don’t start even with prayers because they are a hunk of junk. And families lose loved ones regardless of whether or not prayers are offered on their behalf, such is the cycle of life.

As I review the course of my life, I’m not convinced that I have ever received answers to prayers. I’ve prayed for over 10 years now that we could move to a warmer climate out of this wretched, frozen tundra they call Iowa, perhaps closer to family. Am I praying wrong? Am I asking for too much? I’ve been told repeatedly that I needed to fine tune my prayers and be more specific, that perhaps there was a greater lesson to be learned here. I’ve even been told that I lacked faith.

I’ve also prayed for 3 years now that we would be able to sell our 2nd home in Utah. Not only have my prayers not been answered, but the circumstances have increasingly gotten worse and worse with every prayer uttered until I am left to believe that not only are my prayers not being heard or answered, but that this house is literally a curse from hell.

Does this mean that I am a bad or evil person? Or does this mean that circumstances do not allow us to move away or sell our Utah home? So many factors go into play regarding both. The decisions and choices made by bankers and politicians have directly influenced the economy which have in turn affected the drop in home sales and decrease in market values. Would it have really mattered what I prayed for 3 years ago as the market was heading towards a recession based on other's choices?

Yet the scriptures are full of stories of miracles. When I read those stories it is hard for me to imagine that a loving God could not make these things possible for me? Our desires are good and we have always been devout Christians. We always wanted to live somewhere that we were not the minority, that my children could have friends who shared similar values and morals, and that employment was available to provide (but would have settled for a considerable pay cut).

But I have given up on prayer, at least at this point in my life. After one prays repeatedly with no response, it’s hard to believe it is anything but a vain attempt. It leaves me feeling empty and more alone and I’d rather talk to a wall. So this leads me back to the age old question. Is there really a God? And if so, why has he abondoned me?

Deciphering Truth from Fiction

This is a blog post I read last night. It is written by a man who is a professed schizophrenic, but there is an alarming amount of strange parallelisms and I think it's worth further investigations.

Joseph Smith and Book of Mormon Place Names

As many of your know by know I was raised Mormon and spent 22 years of my 34 years loyally devoted to that religion. I left in large part due to my curious nature, thirst for knowledge and skill at researching, (thanks to my history degree). There are many questionable aspects of Mormonism, (otherwise known as The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints or LDS) but I'm only going to focus on one in this post. It involves place and personal names found in the Book of Mormon.I have read the book 5 times (three in French and two in English) and practically have it memorized. My French copy of the book is highlighted everywhere with notes scribbled around the edges of the pages. In addition, I have done countless hours of research into both the Mormon church and the Book of Mormon. Having grown up LDS I'm practically an expert on Mormonism and Mormon culture.

So, one of the first names you come across when reading the BoM (Book of Mormon) is that of Lehi who is one of the main characters in the book. He a man who supposedly led his family and others out of Jerusalem to sail to the Americas. Well, it just so happens that not very far down the road from where Joseph Smith lived and "translated" the BoM is an area of Pennsylvania known as the, "Lehigh Valley." Strange coincidence don't you think? Smith spent a lot of time wandering around Pennsylvania working as a, "glass looker" which entailed him looking at "Seer stones" at the bottom of a hat to locate, "treasure." This is the method he used to "translate" the BoM. Then there is the town of Alma, New York and it sits on the border with Pennsylvania and New York. Alma is another main character in the BoM. New York is another state Smith knew well as he spent much of his growing up years in the upper west side of the state. This next part is quoted from one Vernal Holley who wrote a book called, "Book of Mormon Authorship: A Closer Look." Below is a map of BoM places names on them. Following that is a map showing the same map but with real places on them that are very similar if not identical to names in the BoM:Throughout the Book of Mormon we read of such features as "The Narrow Neck of Land" which was a days and a half's journey (roughly 30 miles) separating two great seas. We read much of the Hill Onidah, the Hill Ramah, and the city of the City of Angola—all place names in the land of Joseph Smith's youth. We read, in the Book of Mormon of the Land of Desolation named for a warrior named Teancum who helped General Moroni fight in the Land of Desolation. In Smith's era, an Indian Chief named Tecumseh fought and died near the narrow neck of land helping the British in the War of 1812. Today the Canadian city Techumseh (near the narrow neck of land) is named after him. We see the Book of Mormon city Kishkumen located near an area named, on modern maps, as Kiskiminetas. Canadian locations are marked with an asterisk and appear in the Book of Mormon as lying in "The Land Northward"

Each name entry will be separated with a dash mark "-". Study them carefully to see how similar they are:-*Agathe, Saint [Canada] (BoM name, Ogath) - Alma, PA (BoM name, Alma) - Angola, New York (BoM name, Angola) - Antrim, PA near town where Smith "translated" the book (BoM name, Antum) - Antioch, OH [Located on the border between PA and OH] (BofM name, Anti-Anti-) - Boaz, Biblical name (BoM name, Boaz) - *Conner (BoM name, Comner) - *Ephrem, Saint, Canada (BoM name, Ephraim Hill) - Hellam (BoM name, Helam) - Jacobsburg (BoM name, Jacobugath) - Jerusalem (BoM name, Jerusalem) - Jordan (BoM name, Jordan) - Kishkiminetas (BoM name, Kishkumen) - Lehigh (BoM name, Lehi) - Mantua (BoM name, Manti) - Monroe, NY and PA (BoM name, Moroni) - Minoa, NY (BoM name, Minon) - *Moraviantown, Canada (BoM name, Morianton) - *Morin, Canada (BoM name, Moron) - Noah Lakes (BoM name, Noah, Land of) - Oneida, NY (BoM name, Onidah) - Oneida Castle, NY (BoM name, Onidah Hill) - Omer, MI (BoM, Omner) - *Rama, Canada (BoM name, Ramah) - *Ripple Lake, Canada (BoM name, Ripliancum, Waters of) - Sodom, NY (BoM name, Sidom) - Shiloh, PA (BoM name, Shilom) -Land of Midian, Middle East (BoM name, Land of Midian) - *Tecumseh/Tenecum, Canada (BoM name, Teancum).

Some Mormons might say that the similarity just means that the ancient Mormon place names were kept by the white settlers to come later. However, many of the real location names are European in origin such as Conner, Jacobsburg, Monroe, etc. I also find it interesting that most of these locations were around places that Joseph Smith knew well, which were surely on any map available during that time. The Book of Mormon might have some good lessons in it for society and how to be a better person but it's not divinely inspired by some "God." Joseph Smith is just another in a long line of American charlatans. He started this religion in a time when there was much religious fervor in the area. There were countless preachers roaming the New England area preaching that they had the right answer and spoke of visions, newly reveled scriptures, etc. It seems to me that Smith, (being a simple person) wanted in on the high profile position of being a preacher and being the creator of an entire new religion is even better!! Why just be another preacher of the same old Christianity when you can attract a lot MORE attention by making up your own?!! You can probably start to see by now why I left that cult-like religion.
http://sanitariumletters.blogspot.com/2009/12/joseph-smith-and-book-of-mormon-place.html

Perhaps it is time to dig up old maps and see just how accurate this information is. I have been counseled repeatedly to not believe everything I read, that some people spend their entire lives trying to discount the mormons. I don't know what to believe when I read this sort of thing except that I owe it to myself to find the truth, whatever that may be.

Ouch

I try to talk to my husband about the things that are most disturbing to me concerning the history of the LDS church and he says I need to be careful what I read and believe to be true. “There are also people that believe that aliens are taking over the earth.” Ouch. Is he really likening my anguish over historical findings with that of a ridiculous sci-fi movie? Does he really think I am that stupid? He goes on to say that if the things pertaining to Joseph Smith were really true that it would be a bigger deal. Maybe he needs to take his head out of his butt long enough to be open to the possibility that there has been information hidden away from members since the 1800s. I attempt to share more of the findings, to which I am attacked verbally. I raise my voice and he hangs up the phone on me. So begins my lovely morning.

Last year when I first read some of the accounts about Joseph Smith’s plural wives my heart was heavy and I was deeply saddened and disturbed to learn about the 14 year old girls and women who were already married that he was secretively coercing with. I was so troubled about my readings that I approached my husband. The first thing he said was, “You mean Brigham Young” to which I replied, “No, Joseph Smith.” We have both been members our entire lives and neither one of us knew that Joseph Smith secretively practiced polygamy. It made me wonder what else we didn’t know that was being covered up by the church. It has only been in the last decade or so that more information has come into light with the help of the world-wide web.

Last night I read the story of a man named Price who was entirely devoted to the church for 38 years, serving a mission and holding many different positions in the church, giving 100% commitment and dedication. His letter really spoke to me personally. “My doubts began as I drove to work one day, listening to Living Scriptures’ Dramatized Church History on CD. I can’t begin to describe the shock and disappointment I felt as I heard, for the first time, the reenactment of Joseph Smith taking Helen Mar Kimball as his polygamous wife at the tender age of 14. The account outlined the involvement of Helen’s father, Heber C. Kimball, in brokering the deal, as well as Joseph’s promise to Helen that this step would virtually guarantee the exaltation of herself and her father’s family in the Celestial Kingdom. Helen concluded that her sacrifice was a small price to "purchase" such a glorious reward. Upon hearing this, my heart sank, and I wept openly.” (You can read the complete story at http://www.exmormon.org/mormon/mormon351.htm.)

He did everything by the book. He fasted, prayed, went to his Bishop for answers, with no avail. He never relied on hearsay or blogs as reliable sources of information. He went straight to church materials. He read church periodicals, diaries, autobiographical sketches, journals, and correspondences. He found factual documents that confirmed Joseph Smith marrying 11 women that were already married to other men. These findings, along with many others, deeply disturbed him and eventually led him away from the church. How could a loving God allow a man to break a commandment and commit adultery? Or to covet thy neighbor’s wife? Joseph didn’t choose older widowed women like described by the church. Instead he chose, beautiful young women (teenagers- some as young as 14 years of age and many in their 20s; some already married) to have his way with. He secretively had relations with them without his wife’s knowledge or consent.

“There is another piece of evidence you might consider in examining Joseph Smith's sexual behavior. The following excerpt is from a love letter Joseph Smith wrote when he wanted to arrange a liaison with Newel K. Whitney's daughter Sarah Ann, whom Smith had secretly "married." It reveals Smith's cloak-and-dagger approach to his extramarital affairs”: (http://www.i4m.com/think/history/joseph_smith_sex.htm)

"... the only thing to be careful of; is to find out when Emma comes then you cannot be safe, but when she is not here, there is the most perfect safty. ... Only be careful to escape observation, as much as possible, I know it is a heroick undertakeing; but so much the greater friendship, and the more Joy, when I see you I will tell you all my plans, I cannot write them on paper, burn this letter as soon as you read it; keep all locked up in your breasts, my life depends upon it. ... I close my letter, I think Emma wont come tonight if she dont, dont fail to come to night, I subscribe myself your most obedient, and affectionate, companion, and friend. Joseph Smith." - Joseph Smith Handwritten Letter, http://www.xmission.com/~research/family/strange.htm

Joseph not only broke commandments in the name of revelation, but he also lied and deceived his sweet wife, who did nothing but stand beside him regardless of the circumstances presented her. (Can I also add that he was a most horrible speller? ) This was a man who was supposedly called by God to be a prophet. People looked to him for direction and guidance and respected him. They gave up worldly possessions and served lengthy missions if he asked it of them. Now it was required to give up your wife if asked? He was anything but an exemplar person in my eyes, leading a double standard; a hypocrite. Do what I say, not what I do. Is this really the person so revered and respected as the founder of the mormon religion? Why is it that more mormons are not appalled by the magnitude of Joseph Smith's transgressions? Or the fact that he went to such lengths to hide them? It has completely and utterly stopped me in my tracks.

Price said he agreed with Pres. Hinckley’s assessment that either “the church is perfect or it is a fraud.” He goes on to say that according to Pres Hinckley “every historical claim, every revelation, every verse of scripture, every prophetic utterance, every divinely sanctioned act “ is true. Like Price, based on factual church documents regarding historical aspects of the church, particularly that of revelations, I am left with the realization that it is not all true.

It is a confusing place to be. Everything I have learned my entire life up to this point has been based on the fact that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God and that he received revelations directly from God. It is the entire foundation of the mormon faith really. If these things are not true, I have been deceived and the mormon religion is indeed a fraud. My heart is laden with grief.

I feel so lost and wish that I had my companion by my side through this difficult time. It is really the only thing that links us together and one of the driving reasons we married in the first place. He is devoted to the church and has a strong testimony in the LDS teachings. He says I am trying to push him away and persuade him to leave the church. This is not the case at all. I would just like some support, but maybe that is too much to ask. Whenever I talk with him about my troubled soul or recent findings I am merely seeking a listening ear, perhaps a little validation. Instead I am challenged and met with antagonistic responses. It is exhausting and can only be damaging to our marriage. Perhaps I need to seek out others for support and leave him out of this equation, as painful as that seems in the moment.

It is all just too painful: my new found knowledge, the feeling of betrayal, the disconnection from my spouse, the guilt over leaving, questioning things that I once believed to be true, the loss of former associations...

I wish there was a magical band-aid that could be put on the "OUCH" I feel to take away the pain and torment. It would sure make things easier. Unfortunately it is a process and I know that the only way to heal is to keep at it. Maybe time does heal all things?

Indefinite break

So, I’m taking a break from church… for the first time in my life. Not because I am sick or away on vacation, but because I want to. For the last several months every single time I attended I would leave angry and bitter, mostly because I didn’t want to be there. Sometimes I would feel a little sick inside hearing things like, “This is the one and only true church on the face of the earth” or “I know these things to be true beyond a shadow of a doubt”. How can any one person profess such profound things with a clear conscience? Sometimes listening would prove to be too much, so I would tune everything out and wonder why I was there. I would instead think of all the other things I’d rather be doing with my time.

When I was active in the church I had very few LDS friends, at least not ones I connected with. Now that I haven’t been for a few weeks people are coming out of the woodwork. All of a sudden I have all sorts of people calling me and emailing and worrying about my soul.

The truth is my soul has been in trouble for several years now. Where were they then?

I had doubts and questions, yet never felt like I could talk about them, let alone act on them. I had hopes that with our new building we would get a good shake up and we would somehow magically have a better ward. There had been talk of redrawing the ward boundaries. (LDS are assigned wards based on the location of their home.) Unfortunately that did not happen. We have the smallest, most impoverished ward of the three in our area and it is full of strange, peculiar people. It may sound unchristian, but it is the truth. I would go to church and feel guilty as I sat behind certain families. You know the ones- you can hardly breathe because hygiene is not a priority to them. They lack manners and social etiquette. All the while you’re having bad thoughts about them and worrying that you are going to hell for being so judgmental.

To make matters worse we had a bishop that was a harsh, dominating man, not the sort of man with lots of friends and definitely not a person I would ever care to associate with. But he was the father of our ward and as a member it is required to sustain and support him. He started having “revelations” regarding matters in the ward that I found to be most disturbing, things that affected me and my family. Things like a Scout Blue & Gold Banquet and Halloween Trunk or Treat. Seemingly small, but that was the point... revelations about such trivial matters. At the time my husband was the Cub Master and the bishop was denying him the opportunity to fulfill his calling. He was a power hungry dictator who abused his authority in the name of “revelations”, making sure that all knew who was in charge. “You do as I say.” He would bang his fists and shout, “I had a revelation.” There is much more to it than that, but that’s the gist of it. I was so upset over it that I wrote a letter to the Stake President. After meeting with him and discussing the matters that most troubled me the Stake President gave me a list of 6 things to do. All of them involved things I had to do to change so that I would be more accepting of this bishop and this situation. As time went on I just became more and more unhappy and bitter. A bishop is supposed to be kind and gentle and loving. I couldn’t help but wonder how this man ever got into a position of authority- he had none of the qualities a bishop should have. It made me really question revelations and priesthood authority. I was reminded over and over, “The church is perfect, the people aren’t.” After much contemplation I finally realized that it wasn’t just the people, but that the church was also imperfect.

I started doing research on my own regarding the history of the church and found very disturbing accounts concerning Joseph Smith and his plural wives. He slept with women who were under age and already married in the name of revelation. He secretively practiced polygamy, marrying many wives without his wife’s knowledge. These are things you never hear about in Sunday School. How could a man that was supposed to be a prophet lie to his wife and commit adultery? Adultery is a serious crime that results in excommunication from the church today.

So, began my many quandaries…

One article lead to another and then another. My mind was awakened. I pondered and prayed and continued to be confused and uncertain. I attempted to talk with my family, which only led to contention and conflict. I was told they would put me on the temple prayer role and pray for me. All I wanted was a listening ear and maybe some answers. I guess that was too much to ask for.

I think the lack of answers and defensive reactions only made me question things more and that compiled with additional reading ultimately drove me away from my LDS roots.

It was a liberating decision to stop going to church. I thought I would instantly feel better, but it has been a decision wrought with mixed emotions. I’ve been LDS my whole life and it has become, in a sense, a big part of my identity.

Now I get to be a free thinker and figure out who I am outside of the LDS shackles. Wish me luck. It is going to be a long road. I had a friend recently tell me that I still have much life left to live. This has given me great comfort as I forge ahead.

Less Anger = Good

I’m realizing as the anger lessens that there are many good things that actually came out of being LDS.

They teach and instill good values in kids. Honesty, chastity, responsibility, and the word of wisdom are a few things that come to mind.

I also learned how to research, prepare for talks, and speak in public.

I have a body free of drugs and disease.

They teach you how to be a better homemaker, wife, and mother- ranging from home decorating tips to baking to blogging.

Good music is encouraged and enjoyed as well.

They also place much emphasis on preparedness, not just spiritually, but temporally. The 72 hour kits are now being recommended by Red Cross.

They encourage you to develop and share your talents.

I have the church to thank for all of these wonderful lessons. They have helped shape me into the decent, upstanding citizen I am today.

Anger

I’m angry I waited until I was 36 to get a spine and find my voice.

I’m angry that I listened, believed, and never questioned even when I was unhappy.

I’m angry that I felt pressured to marry so young.

I’m angry that I was never allowed the opportunity to be a free thinker and to make decisions that went against my family’s beliefs.

I’m angry that I’ve given so much of our money to the church. We could have our house paid off by now.

I’m angry that women are expected to submit to the will of their husband, even when they are living unrighteous lives.

I’m angry that I believed that child bearing was more important than an education that would make me financially independent.

I’m angry that I never had proper treatments for depression, instead believing that I could pray for healing.

I’m angry that I sustained and supported unrighteous, dominating men in positions of authority over me.

I’m angry that I have never really enjoyed intimate moments with my spouse, brainwashed to believe I was committing sexual sins.

I’m angry that I never enjoyed my body more in my 20s, always hiding it with religious garments.

I’m angry that I always thought something was wrong with me when I would hear others talk of answers to prayers or revelations.

I’m angry that I became “one of them”, judging and criticizing others who couldn’t conform.

I’m angry that I lived most of my life out of obligation and fear.

I’m angry that I never felt like a good person even though I was, even by mormon standards.

I'm angry I allowed guilt to consume me all these years.

Sexual Sins

As a youth in the LDS church I was taught that necking, petting, masturbation, fornication, and all manner of impure thoughts were evil; even before I knew what some of the words meant. This is a subject that was reiterated, time and time again. Our bodies are a gift and we are to keep them clean and pure, like a temple.

•Breaking of the law of chastity and others sexual sins are offenses against God and are deemed evil, (Harold B Lee) “yea, most abominable above all sins save it be the shedding of innocent blood or denying the Holy Ghost” (Alma 39:5)

•”Sexual union is lawful only in wedlock” and is to be used only for procreation. (Joseph F. Smith)

• "Married people who indulge their passions for any other purpose than to beget children, really committed adultery." (John Henry Smith)

As I read through some of these teachings that I’ve heard hundreds of times over the course of my life, I realize just how absurd they are.

There is too much emphasis placed on sexual sins. We are human beings with passions and natural curiosities and desires. We marry young for fear of ever incurring any sexual crimes. I was 19 years old. My husband was 18. Our first night together was our wedding night. We were both virgins. Not only were we inexperienced, but it was not a pleasant experience, particularly for me. I had these romantic fantasies of what a honeymoon would be like and this was far from. We are never given any opportunity to really explore and figure out if we are compatible on any sort of passionate level. Then once you are married, it is for time and all eternity regardless of whether you connect intimately or not. But then again, we are only to indulge in passions to beget children. This ludicrous idea has caused much confusion and inner turmoil for me over the years.

It’s no wonder I am filled with anger, for I have led a life of guilt- constantly ashamed of my unclean thoughts and actions; brainwashed to believe that I wasn’t supposed to be enjoying my intimate moments with my spouse. This has, in turn, been damaging to my relationship with my spouse, my marriage, and my self worth- the kind of damage that doesn’t go away over night.

I for one do not think it is the place of a church or any church leader to be counseling or judging on matters of intimacy, particularly that of a married couple. A friend of mine brought it to my attention that the church had a stand on oral sex, taught by an apostle, held to be doctrine, and that it was confirmed by a church leader. This was exceptionally bothersome to me. Then I read it for myself, “The First Presidency has interpreted oral sex as constituting an unnatural, impure, or unholy practice.”

What happens behind closed doors between husband and wife should stay there and it is not a matter of any church.

It was such a liberating experience to shed my garments and to see my body through different eyes for the first time in my life… to feel sexy and beautiful for my husband. I have worn the religious garment for almost 18 years, both day and night. They are ugly and unflattering and I have a severely distorted body image as a result. I’m slowly beginning to work on it, but it may take years to repair and undo the damage that has been done.

Where to start?

I created this blog for a couple reasons. One was with the hopes of being able to connect with others who are going through similar trials. It is a very lonely place to be, alienated by those whom you love who are closest to you, with no one to reach out to for fear of further isolation and alienation. I chose a title (misplaced mormon; muddling my way through the mormon mentality) similar to that of a tongue twister as a metaphor. It is a phrase that is “difficult to articulate”, the best description I could think of to express the way I am feeling at this stage in my life. I’m so confused and nothing I say seems to be right. I’m not a writer and I’m not even sure how to begin articulating my inner most thoughts and feelings that torment my soul on a regular basis. When I make attempts it comes out all garbled up, sorta like how I would equate a tongue twister in my mind.

I would also like to find peace because when you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others. When I looked up the definition of peace in wikipedia it stated that “peace is a state of balance and understanding in yourself and between others, where respect is gained by the acceptance of differences, tolerance persists, conflicts are resolved through dialog, people's rights are respected and their voices are heard, and everyone is at their highest point of serenity without social tension.” That is exactly what I want. Conflict, both internal and external, is exhausting. By opening up and offloading the burdens that torment me I hope to attain some level of inner peace, which might in turn help me better deal with the exterior; the antagonistic influences in my most immediate surroundings.

I was born and raised LDS, a religion that is not just a once a week thing, but a lifelong commitment… it encompasses all aspects of your life including your network of friends and acquaintances. The requirements and expectations are a full time job and overwhelming to say the least. And when you have brief moments of poor choices (i.e. gossiping, swearing, having bad thoughts, going to 2nd base with a boyfriend, or watching rated R movies- the sort of things a non-mormon wouldn’t think twice about) the guilt eats away at you until repentance is fulfilled for fear of an eternal life in hell. Every single choice up until now has been made only with the mormon principles and consequences in mind, including who you date, who you marry, and who you choose as friends. It overtakes your life and before you know it you realize you have no idea who you are or who you even want to be. It sucks you in so deep that it seems impossible to ever make your way out.

37 years later… angry, bitter, and unhappy are the only emotions that come to mind. I have lived the better part of my days in a state of agonizing misery, knowing I will never live up to the expectations required for eternal salvation in heaven. I have made choices driven by fear and guilt alone. I have no idea how to make decisions for myself. I have been hospitalized twice for depression, once for an attempted suicide. I was told that I needed to pray more and ask for healing and happiness; I would find answers if only I read the scriptures. It couldn’t possibly be a chemical imbalance or hormonally driven. I needed medicine and was continually poisoned with words that only made me feel more unhappy and guilty. After all, taking my own life is the most abominable and unforgivable sin. I needed to become more committed and indoctrinated in the LDS faith according to family and friends; recommit myself to the Lord. He is the way. This course of action never changed anything for me. I was still the same, depressed girl. Only more so - because I was told repeatedly that I was leading an inadequate, faithless life. I was ashamed of having such dark thoughts and feelings and continually reminded that those were “of the devil”.

I find myself at a crossroads. After months of contemplating the end of my existence on earth part of me thinks that a different life, even if it is a life in hell, might actually be better than this one. Another part of me thinks that if I’m actually looking death in the face, it might be time to reevaluate my life. Perhaps suicide would be worse than just leaving this faith that has caused so much hurt and anguish in my life. You could live your entire life doing everything you know to be right; by the book, and never attain eternal salvation if your motives are not pure, at least that is what they want you to believe. This has led me to really analyze the path that has led me here, including my beliefs. Have I ever really had my own testimony? Or has my life been driven solely out of obligation, expectations, and fear? When one is born “in the covenant”… your fate is sealed. At no time in your life are you ever given free rein to explore your own thoughts and ideas, particularly while still under your strict, extreme conservative, ultra religious, parent’s roof. They are in complete control and you do as they say. It is in a sense a sort of brainwashing. You are powerless and have no choice but to obey.

The most ironic part to me is that being raised LDS I’ve heard the phrase “free agency” literally hundreds of times, a term that means “privilege of choice”. Yet never in my life have I ever really felt like I had the slightest degree of freedom, particularly none to make my own choices. I am not a free agent so long as I am LDS. I am not free to think or make choices as I wish. I feel like a prisoner in my own life, in my own body. I am going through the motions, but my heart and mind long to be free. I have tried my entire life to always do the “right” thing. At least what I thought was the right thing. You know, the typical LDS code: go to church, pay your tithing, read your scriptures, fulfill your callings, marry in the temple, raise a family, etc.

I was taught right from wrong, and yet at this juncture in my life it seems the lines have been blurred because if doing the “right” thing causes this kind of unhappiness and depression, is it really the right thing? If my motives are not genuine or pure, then eternal salvation is out; not guaranteed at the least. Therefore, is a life of unhappiness really worth it?