I'm enjoying my new sense of freedom.
Having said that, I'm also still being plagued with feelings of guilt. Not attending church or wearing garments, watching rated R movies, and occasionally saying a swear word or two seemed like things that would bring instant satisfaction, yet I am still worrying about going to hell or what others might say or think. I don't think these are things that non-mormons would think twice about. I must admit though, love the new undies!
Today the fam and I went tubing in Des Moines. It was a blast. On the way there my sister, Shawna, called me. She wanted to know if we were driving and so I told her we were headed to DesMoines for some tubing. She gave the, "Oh, really" judgmental mom voice. I told her Haldan was on an 8 off and the park was only open on the weekend and we finally caught a break from the rains. I said, "You only live once." She replied, "I hope you don't break your neck and end up paralyzed in a wheelchair. Then you wouldn't be able to live." I think I said something like, "so be it." I wasn't quite sure if the comment was intended to be a slam about breaking the sabbath day or if she was just being a brat. Maybe both.
As much as I'd love to say that I don't care what people think, the comments by my sister today really got to me. (Maybe family comments are worse?) Why can't people just accept others as they are. Why do mormons think that everyone has to be just like them? They have got to be some of the most judgmental people I know. They are constantly trying to convert the world because it is the "one and only true church on the face of the earth." If others don't practice mormonism they won't make it to the "celestial kingdom". They must be converted. Every single time we have missionaries for dinner they want us to give them names of friends and neighbors that they can teach the discussions and convert. I've lived in the mission field (midwest) the better part of my life and after years of the same thing it gets super old. I finally had to start telling them that I would only feed them if they didn't ask for names at our house. We had them over for Easter and they arrived early. I went to let them in, but they were nowhere to be found. Turns out they were tracting our neighborhood in an attempt to share a mormon Easter message. I was super annoyed, but said nothing. These are people who are already committed in their faiths, celebrating the holiday with friends and family, and do they really want mormon missionaries stopping by and bugging them? My guess would be not. They get to go home, but I live by these people.
I actually believe that there are really good people out there that do not attend church. I also believe that there are many churches that are good and God would never deny good christian people from heaven because they are not mormon. Unfortunately it seems to be the general consensus from mormons alike; a very unchristian-like mentality.
My husband has been really great this past week. He has certainly been trying to be understanding and told me that I didn't have to go to church unless I wanted to. The strange thing is that since I stopped going there have been several weeks that he hasn't gone either. In the beginning he made it quite clear that he would take the children and what I did was up to me. Now it seems more and more like he is also looking for excuses to not go. I could be reading it all wrong, but the tubing today was totally his idea. He has said that he does not believe the same way that I do and that he has a strong testimony in the mormon faith, but his actions don't always seem to reflect that.
I have tried to not discuss anything "religion" with him and have been available to be with him when he wants. I've also done my reading and soul searching when he is not around. It seems to be keeping the peace better at home and has made a huge difference in our relationship.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Are PRAYERS really answered?
This is not going to be a post full of deep quotes or philosophical insights even though I know there are endless amounts available. Instead I wanted to just share my simple thoughts that keep me awake at night.
We’ve all sat through the fast and testimony meetings and heard the typical stories about some miracle in a person’s life based on a humble prayer. They pray that their car will start and it does. Or they feel inner turmoil and are given peace. They pray for healing and are miraculously cured. Those sorts of things. But never have I ever once heard how someone prayed for something and it didn’t happen. It seems strange to me considering that most of the prayers uttered are more likely not answered than are. It also leads to me to wonder how many prayers are merely coincidences. Maybe the car would have started regardless of whether that prayer was offered. People find peace from external factors and are healed thanks to doctors and modern medicines and advances (no prayers). On the flip side, many people’s cars don’t start even with prayers because they are a hunk of junk. And families lose loved ones regardless of whether or not prayers are offered on their behalf, such is the cycle of life.
As I review the course of my life, I’m not convinced that I have ever received answers to prayers. I’ve prayed for over 10 years now that we could move to a warmer climate out of this wretched, frozen tundra they call Iowa, perhaps closer to family. Am I praying wrong? Am I asking for too much? I’ve been told repeatedly that I needed to fine tune my prayers and be more specific, that perhaps there was a greater lesson to be learned here. I’ve even been told that I lacked faith.
I’ve also prayed for 3 years now that we would be able to sell our 2nd home in Utah. Not only have my prayers not been answered, but the circumstances have increasingly gotten worse and worse with every prayer uttered until I am left to believe that not only are my prayers not being heard or answered, but that this house is literally a curse from hell.
Does this mean that I am a bad or evil person? Or does this mean that circumstances do not allow us to move away or sell our Utah home? So many factors go into play regarding both. The decisions and choices made by bankers and politicians have directly influenced the economy which have in turn affected the drop in home sales and decrease in market values. Would it have really mattered what I prayed for 3 years ago as the market was heading towards a recession based on other's choices?
Yet the scriptures are full of stories of miracles. When I read those stories it is hard for me to imagine that a loving God could not make these things possible for me? Our desires are good and we have always been devout Christians. We always wanted to live somewhere that we were not the minority, that my children could have friends who shared similar values and morals, and that employment was available to provide (but would have settled for a considerable pay cut).
But I have given up on prayer, at least at this point in my life. After one prays repeatedly with no response, it’s hard to believe it is anything but a vain attempt. It leaves me feeling empty and more alone and I’d rather talk to a wall. So this leads me back to the age old question. Is there really a God? And if so, why has he abondoned me?
We’ve all sat through the fast and testimony meetings and heard the typical stories about some miracle in a person’s life based on a humble prayer. They pray that their car will start and it does. Or they feel inner turmoil and are given peace. They pray for healing and are miraculously cured. Those sorts of things. But never have I ever once heard how someone prayed for something and it didn’t happen. It seems strange to me considering that most of the prayers uttered are more likely not answered than are. It also leads to me to wonder how many prayers are merely coincidences. Maybe the car would have started regardless of whether that prayer was offered. People find peace from external factors and are healed thanks to doctors and modern medicines and advances (no prayers). On the flip side, many people’s cars don’t start even with prayers because they are a hunk of junk. And families lose loved ones regardless of whether or not prayers are offered on their behalf, such is the cycle of life.
As I review the course of my life, I’m not convinced that I have ever received answers to prayers. I’ve prayed for over 10 years now that we could move to a warmer climate out of this wretched, frozen tundra they call Iowa, perhaps closer to family. Am I praying wrong? Am I asking for too much? I’ve been told repeatedly that I needed to fine tune my prayers and be more specific, that perhaps there was a greater lesson to be learned here. I’ve even been told that I lacked faith.
I’ve also prayed for 3 years now that we would be able to sell our 2nd home in Utah. Not only have my prayers not been answered, but the circumstances have increasingly gotten worse and worse with every prayer uttered until I am left to believe that not only are my prayers not being heard or answered, but that this house is literally a curse from hell.
Does this mean that I am a bad or evil person? Or does this mean that circumstances do not allow us to move away or sell our Utah home? So many factors go into play regarding both. The decisions and choices made by bankers and politicians have directly influenced the economy which have in turn affected the drop in home sales and decrease in market values. Would it have really mattered what I prayed for 3 years ago as the market was heading towards a recession based on other's choices?
Yet the scriptures are full of stories of miracles. When I read those stories it is hard for me to imagine that a loving God could not make these things possible for me? Our desires are good and we have always been devout Christians. We always wanted to live somewhere that we were not the minority, that my children could have friends who shared similar values and morals, and that employment was available to provide (but would have settled for a considerable pay cut).
But I have given up on prayer, at least at this point in my life. After one prays repeatedly with no response, it’s hard to believe it is anything but a vain attempt. It leaves me feeling empty and more alone and I’d rather talk to a wall. So this leads me back to the age old question. Is there really a God? And if so, why has he abondoned me?
Monday, January 18, 2010
Deciphering Truth from Fiction
This is a blog post I read last night. It is written by a man who is a professed schizophrenic, but there is an alarming amount of strange parallelisms and I think it's worth further investigations.
Joseph Smith and Book of Mormon Place Names
As many of your know by know I was raised Mormon and spent 22 years of my 34 years loyally devoted to that religion. I left in large part due to my curious nature, thirst for knowledge and skill at researching, (thanks to my history degree). There are many questionable aspects of Mormonism, (otherwise known as The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints or LDS) but I'm only going to focus on one in this post. It involves place and personal names found in the Book of Mormon.I have read the book 5 times (three in French and two in English) and practically have it memorized. My French copy of the book is highlighted everywhere with notes scribbled around the edges of the pages. In addition, I have done countless hours of research into both the Mormon church and the Book of Mormon. Having grown up LDS I'm practically an expert on Mormonism and Mormon culture.
So, one of the first names you come across when reading the BoM (Book of Mormon) is that of Lehi who is one of the main characters in the book. He a man who supposedly led his family and others out of Jerusalem to sail to the Americas. Well, it just so happens that not very far down the road from where Joseph Smith lived and "translated" the BoM is an area of Pennsylvania known as the, "Lehigh Valley." Strange coincidence don't you think? Smith spent a lot of time wandering around Pennsylvania working as a, "glass looker" which entailed him looking at "Seer stones" at the bottom of a hat to locate, "treasure." This is the method he used to "translate" the BoM. Then there is the town of Alma, New York and it sits on the border with Pennsylvania and New York. Alma is another main character in the BoM. New York is another state Smith knew well as he spent much of his growing up years in the upper west side of the state. This next part is quoted from one Vernal Holley who wrote a book called, "Book of Mormon Authorship: A Closer Look." Below is a map of BoM places names on them. Following that is a map showing the same map but with real places on them that are very similar if not identical to names in the BoM:Throughout the Book of Mormon we read of such features as "The Narrow Neck of Land" which was a days and a half's journey (roughly 30 miles) separating two great seas. We read much of the Hill Onidah, the Hill Ramah, and the city of the City of Angola—all place names in the land of Joseph Smith's youth. We read, in the Book of Mormon of the Land of Desolation named for a warrior named Teancum who helped General Moroni fight in the Land of Desolation. In Smith's era, an Indian Chief named Tecumseh fought and died near the narrow neck of land helping the British in the War of 1812. Today the Canadian city Techumseh (near the narrow neck of land) is named after him. We see the Book of Mormon city Kishkumen located near an area named, on modern maps, as Kiskiminetas. Canadian locations are marked with an asterisk and appear in the Book of Mormon as lying in "The Land Northward"
Joseph Smith and Book of Mormon Place Names
As many of your know by know I was raised Mormon and spent 22 years of my 34 years loyally devoted to that religion. I left in large part due to my curious nature, thirst for knowledge and skill at researching, (thanks to my history degree). There are many questionable aspects of Mormonism, (otherwise known as The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints or LDS) but I'm only going to focus on one in this post. It involves place and personal names found in the Book of Mormon.I have read the book 5 times (three in French and two in English) and practically have it memorized. My French copy of the book is highlighted everywhere with notes scribbled around the edges of the pages. In addition, I have done countless hours of research into both the Mormon church and the Book of Mormon. Having grown up LDS I'm practically an expert on Mormonism and Mormon culture.
So, one of the first names you come across when reading the BoM (Book of Mormon) is that of Lehi who is one of the main characters in the book. He a man who supposedly led his family and others out of Jerusalem to sail to the Americas. Well, it just so happens that not very far down the road from where Joseph Smith lived and "translated" the BoM is an area of Pennsylvania known as the, "Lehigh Valley." Strange coincidence don't you think? Smith spent a lot of time wandering around Pennsylvania working as a, "glass looker" which entailed him looking at "Seer stones" at the bottom of a hat to locate, "treasure." This is the method he used to "translate" the BoM. Then there is the town of Alma, New York and it sits on the border with Pennsylvania and New York. Alma is another main character in the BoM. New York is another state Smith knew well as he spent much of his growing up years in the upper west side of the state. This next part is quoted from one Vernal Holley who wrote a book called, "Book of Mormon Authorship: A Closer Look." Below is a map of BoM places names on them. Following that is a map showing the same map but with real places on them that are very similar if not identical to names in the BoM:Throughout the Book of Mormon we read of such features as "The Narrow Neck of Land" which was a days and a half's journey (roughly 30 miles) separating two great seas. We read much of the Hill Onidah, the Hill Ramah, and the city of the City of Angola—all place names in the land of Joseph Smith's youth. We read, in the Book of Mormon of the Land of Desolation named for a warrior named Teancum who helped General Moroni fight in the Land of Desolation. In Smith's era, an Indian Chief named Tecumseh fought and died near the narrow neck of land helping the British in the War of 1812. Today the Canadian city Techumseh (near the narrow neck of land) is named after him. We see the Book of Mormon city Kishkumen located near an area named, on modern maps, as Kiskiminetas. Canadian locations are marked with an asterisk and appear in the Book of Mormon as lying in "The Land Northward"
Each name entry will be separated with a dash mark "-". Study them carefully to see how similar they are:-*Agathe, Saint [Canada] (BoM name, Ogath) - Alma, PA (BoM name, Alma) - Angola, New York (BoM name, Angola) - Antrim, PA near town where Smith "translated" the book (BoM name, Antum) - Antioch, OH [Located on the border between PA and OH] (BofM name, Anti-Anti-) - Boaz, Biblical name (BoM name, Boaz) - *Conner (BoM name, Comner) - *Ephrem, Saint, Canada (BoM name, Ephraim Hill) - Hellam (BoM name, Helam) - Jacobsburg (BoM name, Jacobugath) - Jerusalem (BoM name, Jerusalem) - Jordan (BoM name, Jordan) - Kishkiminetas (BoM name, Kishkumen) - Lehigh (BoM name, Lehi) - Mantua (BoM name, Manti) - Monroe, NY and PA (BoM name, Moroni) - Minoa, NY (BoM name, Minon) - *Moraviantown, Canada (BoM name, Morianton) - *Morin, Canada (BoM name, Moron) - Noah Lakes (BoM name, Noah, Land of) - Oneida, NY (BoM name, Onidah) - Oneida Castle, NY (BoM name, Onidah Hill) - Omer, MI (BoM, Omner) - *Rama, Canada (BoM name, Ramah) - *Ripple Lake, Canada (BoM name, Ripliancum, Waters of) - Sodom, NY (BoM name, Sidom) - Shiloh, PA (BoM name, Shilom) -Land of Midian, Middle East (BoM name, Land of Midian) - *Tecumseh/Tenecum, Canada (BoM name, Teancum).
Some Mormons might say that the similarity just means that the ancient Mormon place names were kept by the white settlers to come later. However, many of the real location names are European in origin such as Conner, Jacobsburg, Monroe, etc. I also find it interesting that most of these locations were around places that Joseph Smith knew well, which were surely on any map available during that time. The Book of Mormon might have some good lessons in it for society and how to be a better person but it's not divinely inspired by some "God." Joseph Smith is just another in a long line of American charlatans. He started this religion in a time when there was much religious fervor in the area. There were countless preachers roaming the New England area preaching that they had the right answer and spoke of visions, newly reveled scriptures, etc. It seems to me that Smith, (being a simple person) wanted in on the high profile position of being a preacher and being the creator of an entire new religion is even better!! Why just be another preacher of the same old Christianity when you can attract a lot MORE attention by making up your own?!! You can probably start to see by now why I left that cult-like religion.
http://sanitariumletters.blogspot.com/2009/12/joseph-smith-and-book-of-mormon-place.html
Perhaps it is time to dig up old maps and see just how accurate this information is. I have been counseled repeatedly to not believe everything I read, that some people spend their entire lives trying to discount the mormons. I don't know what to believe when I read this sort of thing except that I owe it to myself to find the truth, whatever that may be.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Ouch
I try to talk to my husband about the things that are most disturbing to me concerning the history of the LDS church and he says I need to be careful what I read and believe to be true. “There are also people that believe that aliens are taking over the earth.” Ouch. Is he really likening my anguish over historical findings with that of a ridiculous sci-fi movie? Does he really think I am that stupid? He goes on to say that if the things pertaining to Joseph Smith were really true that it would be a bigger deal. Maybe he needs to take his head out of his butt long enough to be open to the possibility that there has been information hidden away from members since the 1800s. I attempt to share more of the findings, to which I am attacked verbally. I raise my voice and he hangs up the phone on me. So begins my lovely morning.
Last year when I first read some of the accounts about Joseph Smith’s plural wives my heart was heavy and I was deeply saddened and disturbed to learn about the 14 year old girls and women who were already married that he was secretively coercing with. I was so troubled about my readings that I approached my husband. The first thing he said was, “You mean Brigham Young” to which I replied, “No, Joseph Smith.” We have both been members our entire lives and neither one of us knew that Joseph Smith secretively practiced polygamy. It made me wonder what else we didn’t know that was being covered up by the church. It has only been in the last decade or so that more information has come into light with the help of the world-wide web.
Last night I read the story of a man named Price who was entirely devoted to the church for 38 years, serving a mission and holding many different positions in the church, giving 100% commitment and dedication. His letter really spoke to me personally. “My doubts began as I drove to work one day, listening to Living Scriptures’ Dramatized Church History on CD. I can’t begin to describe the shock and disappointment I felt as I heard, for the first time, the reenactment of Joseph Smith taking Helen Mar Kimball as his polygamous wife at the tender age of 14. The account outlined the involvement of Helen’s father, Heber C. Kimball, in brokering the deal, as well as Joseph’s promise to Helen that this step would virtually guarantee the exaltation of herself and her father’s family in the Celestial Kingdom. Helen concluded that her sacrifice was a small price to "purchase" such a glorious reward. Upon hearing this, my heart sank, and I wept openly.” (You can read the complete story at http://www.exmormon.org/mormon/mormon351.htm.)
He did everything by the book. He fasted, prayed, went to his Bishop for answers, with no avail. He never relied on hearsay or blogs as reliable sources of information. He went straight to church materials. He read church periodicals, diaries, autobiographical sketches, journals, and correspondences. He found factual documents that confirmed Joseph Smith marrying 11 women that were already married to other men. These findings, along with many others, deeply disturbed him and eventually led him away from the church. How could a loving God allow a man to break a commandment and commit adultery? Or to covet thy neighbor’s wife? Joseph didn’t choose older widowed women like described by the church. Instead he chose, beautiful young women (teenagers- some as young as 14 years of age and many in their 20s; some already married) to have his way with. He secretively had relations with them without his wife’s knowledge or consent.
“There is another piece of evidence you might consider in examining Joseph Smith's sexual behavior. The following excerpt is from a love letter Joseph Smith wrote when he wanted to arrange a liaison with Newel K. Whitney's daughter Sarah Ann, whom Smith had secretly "married." It reveals Smith's cloak-and-dagger approach to his extramarital affairs”: (http://www.i4m.com/think/history/joseph_smith_sex.htm)
"... the only thing to be careful of; is to find out when Emma comes then you cannot be safe, but when she is not here, there is the most perfect safty. ... Only be careful to escape observation, as much as possible, I know it is a heroick undertakeing; but so much the greater friendship, and the more Joy, when I see you I will tell you all my plans, I cannot write them on paper, burn this letter as soon as you read it; keep all locked up in your breasts, my life depends upon it. ... I close my letter, I think Emma wont come tonight if she dont, dont fail to come to night, I subscribe myself your most obedient, and affectionate, companion, and friend. Joseph Smith." - Joseph Smith Handwritten Letter, http://www.xmission.com/~research/family/strange.htm
Joseph not only broke commandments in the name of revelation, but he also lied and deceived his sweet wife, who did nothing but stand beside him regardless of the circumstances presented her. (Can I also add that he was a most horrible speller? ) This was a man who was supposedly called by God to be a prophet. People looked to him for direction and guidance and respected him. They gave up worldly possessions and served lengthy missions if he asked it of them. Now it was required to give up your wife if asked? He was anything but an exemplar person in my eyes, leading a double standard; a hypocrite. Do what I say, not what I do. Is this really the person so revered and respected as the founder of the mormon religion? Why is it that more mormons are not appalled by the magnitude of Joseph Smith's transgressions? Or the fact that he went to such lengths to hide them? It has completely and utterly stopped me in my tracks.
Price said he agreed with Pres. Hinckley’s assessment that either “the church is perfect or it is a fraud.” He goes on to say that according to Pres Hinckley “every historical claim, every revelation, every verse of scripture, every prophetic utterance, every divinely sanctioned act “ is true. Like Price, based on factual church documents regarding historical aspects of the church, particularly that of revelations, I am left with the realization that it is not all true.
It is a confusing place to be. Everything I have learned my entire life up to this point has been based on the fact that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God and that he received revelations directly from God. It is the entire foundation of the mormon faith really. If these things are not true, I have been deceived and the mormon religion is indeed a fraud. My heart is laden with grief.
I feel so lost and wish that I had my companion by my side through this difficult time. It is really the only thing that links us together and one of the driving reasons we married in the first place. He is devoted to the church and has a strong testimony in the LDS teachings. He says I am trying to push him away and persuade him to leave the church. This is not the case at all. I would just like some support, but maybe that is too much to ask. Whenever I talk with him about my troubled soul or recent findings I am merely seeking a listening ear, perhaps a little validation. Instead I am challenged and met with antagonistic responses. It is exhausting and can only be damaging to our marriage. Perhaps I need to seek out others for support and leave him out of this equation, as painful as that seems in the moment.
It is all just too painful: my new found knowledge, the feeling of betrayal, the disconnection from my spouse, the guilt over leaving, questioning things that I once believed to be true, the loss of former associations...
I wish there was a magical band-aid that could be put on the "OUCH" I feel to take away the pain and torment. It would sure make things easier. Unfortunately it is a process and I know that the only way to heal is to keep at it. Maybe time does heal all things?
Last year when I first read some of the accounts about Joseph Smith’s plural wives my heart was heavy and I was deeply saddened and disturbed to learn about the 14 year old girls and women who were already married that he was secretively coercing with. I was so troubled about my readings that I approached my husband. The first thing he said was, “You mean Brigham Young” to which I replied, “No, Joseph Smith.” We have both been members our entire lives and neither one of us knew that Joseph Smith secretively practiced polygamy. It made me wonder what else we didn’t know that was being covered up by the church. It has only been in the last decade or so that more information has come into light with the help of the world-wide web.
Last night I read the story of a man named Price who was entirely devoted to the church for 38 years, serving a mission and holding many different positions in the church, giving 100% commitment and dedication. His letter really spoke to me personally. “My doubts began as I drove to work one day, listening to Living Scriptures’ Dramatized Church History on CD. I can’t begin to describe the shock and disappointment I felt as I heard, for the first time, the reenactment of Joseph Smith taking Helen Mar Kimball as his polygamous wife at the tender age of 14. The account outlined the involvement of Helen’s father, Heber C. Kimball, in brokering the deal, as well as Joseph’s promise to Helen that this step would virtually guarantee the exaltation of herself and her father’s family in the Celestial Kingdom. Helen concluded that her sacrifice was a small price to "purchase" such a glorious reward. Upon hearing this, my heart sank, and I wept openly.” (You can read the complete story at http://www.exmormon.org/mormon/mormon351.htm.)
He did everything by the book. He fasted, prayed, went to his Bishop for answers, with no avail. He never relied on hearsay or blogs as reliable sources of information. He went straight to church materials. He read church periodicals, diaries, autobiographical sketches, journals, and correspondences. He found factual documents that confirmed Joseph Smith marrying 11 women that were already married to other men. These findings, along with many others, deeply disturbed him and eventually led him away from the church. How could a loving God allow a man to break a commandment and commit adultery? Or to covet thy neighbor’s wife? Joseph didn’t choose older widowed women like described by the church. Instead he chose, beautiful young women (teenagers- some as young as 14 years of age and many in their 20s; some already married) to have his way with. He secretively had relations with them without his wife’s knowledge or consent.
“There is another piece of evidence you might consider in examining Joseph Smith's sexual behavior. The following excerpt is from a love letter Joseph Smith wrote when he wanted to arrange a liaison with Newel K. Whitney's daughter Sarah Ann, whom Smith had secretly "married." It reveals Smith's cloak-and-dagger approach to his extramarital affairs”: (http://www.i4m.com/think/history/joseph_smith_sex.htm)
"... the only thing to be careful of; is to find out when Emma comes then you cannot be safe, but when she is not here, there is the most perfect safty. ... Only be careful to escape observation, as much as possible, I know it is a heroick undertakeing; but so much the greater friendship, and the more Joy, when I see you I will tell you all my plans, I cannot write them on paper, burn this letter as soon as you read it; keep all locked up in your breasts, my life depends upon it. ... I close my letter, I think Emma wont come tonight if she dont, dont fail to come to night, I subscribe myself your most obedient, and affectionate, companion, and friend. Joseph Smith." - Joseph Smith Handwritten Letter, http://www.xmission.com/~research/family/strange.htm
Joseph not only broke commandments in the name of revelation, but he also lied and deceived his sweet wife, who did nothing but stand beside him regardless of the circumstances presented her. (Can I also add that he was a most horrible speller? ) This was a man who was supposedly called by God to be a prophet. People looked to him for direction and guidance and respected him. They gave up worldly possessions and served lengthy missions if he asked it of them. Now it was required to give up your wife if asked? He was anything but an exemplar person in my eyes, leading a double standard; a hypocrite. Do what I say, not what I do. Is this really the person so revered and respected as the founder of the mormon religion? Why is it that more mormons are not appalled by the magnitude of Joseph Smith's transgressions? Or the fact that he went to such lengths to hide them? It has completely and utterly stopped me in my tracks.
Price said he agreed with Pres. Hinckley’s assessment that either “the church is perfect or it is a fraud.” He goes on to say that according to Pres Hinckley “every historical claim, every revelation, every verse of scripture, every prophetic utterance, every divinely sanctioned act “ is true. Like Price, based on factual church documents regarding historical aspects of the church, particularly that of revelations, I am left with the realization that it is not all true.
It is a confusing place to be. Everything I have learned my entire life up to this point has been based on the fact that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God and that he received revelations directly from God. It is the entire foundation of the mormon faith really. If these things are not true, I have been deceived and the mormon religion is indeed a fraud. My heart is laden with grief.
I feel so lost and wish that I had my companion by my side through this difficult time. It is really the only thing that links us together and one of the driving reasons we married in the first place. He is devoted to the church and has a strong testimony in the LDS teachings. He says I am trying to push him away and persuade him to leave the church. This is not the case at all. I would just like some support, but maybe that is too much to ask. Whenever I talk with him about my troubled soul or recent findings I am merely seeking a listening ear, perhaps a little validation. Instead I am challenged and met with antagonistic responses. It is exhausting and can only be damaging to our marriage. Perhaps I need to seek out others for support and leave him out of this equation, as painful as that seems in the moment.
It is all just too painful: my new found knowledge, the feeling of betrayal, the disconnection from my spouse, the guilt over leaving, questioning things that I once believed to be true, the loss of former associations...
I wish there was a magical band-aid that could be put on the "OUCH" I feel to take away the pain and torment. It would sure make things easier. Unfortunately it is a process and I know that the only way to heal is to keep at it. Maybe time does heal all things?
Friday, January 15, 2010
Indefinite break
So, I’m taking a break from church… for the first time in my life. Not because I am sick or away on vacation, but because I want to. For the last several months every single time I attended I would leave angry and bitter, mostly because I didn’t want to be there. Sometimes I would feel a little sick inside hearing things like, “This is the one and only true church on the face of the earth” or “I know these things to be true beyond a shadow of a doubt”. How can any one person profess such profound things with a clear conscience? Sometimes listening would prove to be too much, so I would tune everything out and wonder why I was there. I would instead think of all the other things I’d rather be doing with my time.
When I was active in the church I had very few LDS friends, at least not ones I connected with. Now that I haven’t been for a few weeks people are coming out of the woodwork. All of a sudden I have all sorts of people calling me and emailing and worrying about my soul.
The truth is my soul has been in trouble for several years now. Where were they then?
I had doubts and questions, yet never felt like I could talk about them, let alone act on them. I had hopes that with our new building we would get a good shake up and we would somehow magically have a better ward. There had been talk of redrawing the ward boundaries. (LDS are assigned wards based on the location of their home.) Unfortunately that did not happen. We have the smallest, most impoverished ward of the three in our area and it is full of strange, peculiar people. It may sound unchristian, but it is the truth. I would go to church and feel guilty as I sat behind certain families. You know the ones- you can hardly breathe because hygiene is not a priority to them. They lack manners and social etiquette. All the while you’re having bad thoughts about them and worrying that you are going to hell for being so judgmental.
To make matters worse we had a bishop that was a harsh, dominating man, not the sort of man with lots of friends and definitely not a person I would ever care to associate with. But he was the father of our ward and as a member it is required to sustain and support him. He started having “revelations” regarding matters in the ward that I found to be most disturbing, things that affected me and my family. Things like a Scout Blue & Gold Banquet and Halloween Trunk or Treat. Seemingly small, but that was the point... revelations about such trivial matters. At the time my husband was the Cub Master and the bishop was denying him the opportunity to fulfill his calling. He was a power hungry dictator who abused his authority in the name of “revelations”, making sure that all knew who was in charge. “You do as I say.” He would bang his fists and shout, “I had a revelation.” There is much more to it than that, but that’s the gist of it. I was so upset over it that I wrote a letter to the Stake President. After meeting with him and discussing the matters that most troubled me the Stake President gave me a list of 6 things to do. All of them involved things I had to do to change so that I would be more accepting of this bishop and this situation. As time went on I just became more and more unhappy and bitter. A bishop is supposed to be kind and gentle and loving. I couldn’t help but wonder how this man ever got into a position of authority- he had none of the qualities a bishop should have. It made me really question revelations and priesthood authority. I was reminded over and over, “The church is perfect, the people aren’t.” After much contemplation I finally realized that it wasn’t just the people, but that the church was also imperfect.
I started doing research on my own regarding the history of the church and found very disturbing accounts concerning Joseph Smith and his plural wives. He slept with women who were under age and already married in the name of revelation. He secretively practiced polygamy, marrying many wives without his wife’s knowledge. These are things you never hear about in Sunday School. How could a man that was supposed to be a prophet lie to his wife and commit adultery? Adultery is a serious crime that results in excommunication from the church today.
So, began my many quandaries…
One article lead to another and then another. My mind was awakened. I pondered and prayed and continued to be confused and uncertain. I attempted to talk with my family, which only led to contention and conflict. I was told they would put me on the temple prayer role and pray for me. All I wanted was a listening ear and maybe some answers. I guess that was too much to ask for.
I think the lack of answers and defensive reactions only made me question things more and that compiled with additional reading ultimately drove me away from my LDS roots.
It was a liberating decision to stop going to church. I thought I would instantly feel better, but it has been a decision wrought with mixed emotions. I’ve been LDS my whole life and it has become, in a sense, a big part of my identity.
Now I get to be a free thinker and figure out who I am outside of the LDS shackles. Wish me luck. It is going to be a long road. I had a friend recently tell me that I still have much life left to live. This has given me great comfort as I forge ahead.
When I was active in the church I had very few LDS friends, at least not ones I connected with. Now that I haven’t been for a few weeks people are coming out of the woodwork. All of a sudden I have all sorts of people calling me and emailing and worrying about my soul.
The truth is my soul has been in trouble for several years now. Where were they then?
I had doubts and questions, yet never felt like I could talk about them, let alone act on them. I had hopes that with our new building we would get a good shake up and we would somehow magically have a better ward. There had been talk of redrawing the ward boundaries. (LDS are assigned wards based on the location of their home.) Unfortunately that did not happen. We have the smallest, most impoverished ward of the three in our area and it is full of strange, peculiar people. It may sound unchristian, but it is the truth. I would go to church and feel guilty as I sat behind certain families. You know the ones- you can hardly breathe because hygiene is not a priority to them. They lack manners and social etiquette. All the while you’re having bad thoughts about them and worrying that you are going to hell for being so judgmental.
To make matters worse we had a bishop that was a harsh, dominating man, not the sort of man with lots of friends and definitely not a person I would ever care to associate with. But he was the father of our ward and as a member it is required to sustain and support him. He started having “revelations” regarding matters in the ward that I found to be most disturbing, things that affected me and my family. Things like a Scout Blue & Gold Banquet and Halloween Trunk or Treat. Seemingly small, but that was the point... revelations about such trivial matters. At the time my husband was the Cub Master and the bishop was denying him the opportunity to fulfill his calling. He was a power hungry dictator who abused his authority in the name of “revelations”, making sure that all knew who was in charge. “You do as I say.” He would bang his fists and shout, “I had a revelation.” There is much more to it than that, but that’s the gist of it. I was so upset over it that I wrote a letter to the Stake President. After meeting with him and discussing the matters that most troubled me the Stake President gave me a list of 6 things to do. All of them involved things I had to do to change so that I would be more accepting of this bishop and this situation. As time went on I just became more and more unhappy and bitter. A bishop is supposed to be kind and gentle and loving. I couldn’t help but wonder how this man ever got into a position of authority- he had none of the qualities a bishop should have. It made me really question revelations and priesthood authority. I was reminded over and over, “The church is perfect, the people aren’t.” After much contemplation I finally realized that it wasn’t just the people, but that the church was also imperfect.
I started doing research on my own regarding the history of the church and found very disturbing accounts concerning Joseph Smith and his plural wives. He slept with women who were under age and already married in the name of revelation. He secretively practiced polygamy, marrying many wives without his wife’s knowledge. These are things you never hear about in Sunday School. How could a man that was supposed to be a prophet lie to his wife and commit adultery? Adultery is a serious crime that results in excommunication from the church today.
So, began my many quandaries…
One article lead to another and then another. My mind was awakened. I pondered and prayed and continued to be confused and uncertain. I attempted to talk with my family, which only led to contention and conflict. I was told they would put me on the temple prayer role and pray for me. All I wanted was a listening ear and maybe some answers. I guess that was too much to ask for.
I think the lack of answers and defensive reactions only made me question things more and that compiled with additional reading ultimately drove me away from my LDS roots.
It was a liberating decision to stop going to church. I thought I would instantly feel better, but it has been a decision wrought with mixed emotions. I’ve been LDS my whole life and it has become, in a sense, a big part of my identity.
Now I get to be a free thinker and figure out who I am outside of the LDS shackles. Wish me luck. It is going to be a long road. I had a friend recently tell me that I still have much life left to live. This has given me great comfort as I forge ahead.
Less Anger = Good
I’m realizing as the anger lessens that there are many good things that actually came out of being LDS.
They teach and instill good values in kids. Honesty, chastity, responsibility, and the word of wisdom are a few things that come to mind.
I also learned how to research, prepare for talks, and speak in public.
I have a body free of drugs and disease.
They teach you how to be a better homemaker, wife, and mother- ranging from home decorating tips to baking to blogging.
Good music is encouraged and enjoyed as well.
They also place much emphasis on preparedness, not just spiritually, but temporally. The 72 hour kits are now being recommended by Red Cross.
They encourage you to develop and share your talents.
I have the church to thank for all of these wonderful lessons. They have helped shape me into the decent, upstanding citizen I am today.
They teach and instill good values in kids. Honesty, chastity, responsibility, and the word of wisdom are a few things that come to mind.
I also learned how to research, prepare for talks, and speak in public.
I have a body free of drugs and disease.
They teach you how to be a better homemaker, wife, and mother- ranging from home decorating tips to baking to blogging.
Good music is encouraged and enjoyed as well.
They also place much emphasis on preparedness, not just spiritually, but temporally. The 72 hour kits are now being recommended by Red Cross.
They encourage you to develop and share your talents.
I have the church to thank for all of these wonderful lessons. They have helped shape me into the decent, upstanding citizen I am today.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Anger
I’m angry I waited until I was 36 to get a spine and find my voice.
I’m angry that I listened, believed, and never questioned even when I was unhappy.
I’m angry that I felt pressured to marry so young.
I’m angry that I was never allowed the opportunity to be a free thinker and to make decisions that went against my family’s beliefs.
I’m angry that I’ve given so much of our money to the church. We could have our house paid off by now.
I’m angry that women are expected to submit to the will of their husband, even when they are living unrighteous lives.
I’m angry that I believed that child bearing was more important than an education that would make me financially independent.
I’m angry that I never had proper treatments for depression, instead believing that I could pray for healing.
I’m angry that I sustained and supported unrighteous, dominating men in positions of authority over me.
I’m angry that I have never really enjoyed intimate moments with my spouse, brainwashed to believe I was committing sexual sins.
I’m angry that I never enjoyed my body more in my 20s, always hiding it with religious garments.
I’m angry that I always thought something was wrong with me when I would hear others talk of answers to prayers or revelations.
I’m angry that I became “one of them”, judging and criticizing others who couldn’t conform.
I’m angry that I lived most of my life out of obligation and fear.
I’m angry that I never felt like a good person even though I was, even by mormon standards.
I'm angry I allowed guilt to consume me all these years.
I’m angry that I listened, believed, and never questioned even when I was unhappy.
I’m angry that I felt pressured to marry so young.
I’m angry that I was never allowed the opportunity to be a free thinker and to make decisions that went against my family’s beliefs.
I’m angry that I’ve given so much of our money to the church. We could have our house paid off by now.
I’m angry that women are expected to submit to the will of their husband, even when they are living unrighteous lives.
I’m angry that I believed that child bearing was more important than an education that would make me financially independent.
I’m angry that I never had proper treatments for depression, instead believing that I could pray for healing.
I’m angry that I sustained and supported unrighteous, dominating men in positions of authority over me.
I’m angry that I have never really enjoyed intimate moments with my spouse, brainwashed to believe I was committing sexual sins.
I’m angry that I never enjoyed my body more in my 20s, always hiding it with religious garments.
I’m angry that I always thought something was wrong with me when I would hear others talk of answers to prayers or revelations.
I’m angry that I became “one of them”, judging and criticizing others who couldn’t conform.
I’m angry that I lived most of my life out of obligation and fear.
I’m angry that I never felt like a good person even though I was, even by mormon standards.
I'm angry I allowed guilt to consume me all these years.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Sexual Sins
As a youth in the LDS church I was taught that necking, petting, masturbation, fornication, and all manner of impure thoughts were evil; even before I knew what some of the words meant. This is a subject that was reiterated, time and time again. Our bodies are a gift and we are to keep them clean and pure, like a temple.
•Breaking of the law of chastity and others sexual sins are offenses against God and are deemed evil, (Harold B Lee) “yea, most abominable above all sins save it be the shedding of innocent blood or denying the Holy Ghost” (Alma 39:5)
•”Sexual union is lawful only in wedlock” and is to be used only for procreation. (Joseph F. Smith)
• "Married people who indulge their passions for any other purpose than to beget children, really committed adultery." (John Henry Smith)
As I read through some of these teachings that I’ve heard hundreds of times over the course of my life, I realize just how absurd they are.
There is too much emphasis placed on sexual sins. We are human beings with passions and natural curiosities and desires. We marry young for fear of ever incurring any sexual crimes. I was 19 years old. My husband was 18. Our first night together was our wedding night. We were both virgins. Not only were we inexperienced, but it was not a pleasant experience, particularly for me. I had these romantic fantasies of what a honeymoon would be like and this was far from. We are never given any opportunity to really explore and figure out if we are compatible on any sort of passionate level. Then once you are married, it is for time and all eternity regardless of whether you connect intimately or not. But then again, we are only to indulge in passions to beget children. This ludicrous idea has caused much confusion and inner turmoil for me over the years.
It’s no wonder I am filled with anger, for I have led a life of guilt- constantly ashamed of my unclean thoughts and actions; brainwashed to believe that I wasn’t supposed to be enjoying my intimate moments with my spouse. This has, in turn, been damaging to my relationship with my spouse, my marriage, and my self worth- the kind of damage that doesn’t go away over night.
I for one do not think it is the place of a church or any church leader to be counseling or judging on matters of intimacy, particularly that of a married couple. A friend of mine brought it to my attention that the church had a stand on oral sex, taught by an apostle, held to be doctrine, and that it was confirmed by a church leader. This was exceptionally bothersome to me. Then I read it for myself, “The First Presidency has interpreted oral sex as constituting an unnatural, impure, or unholy practice.”
What happens behind closed doors between husband and wife should stay there and it is not a matter of any church.
It was such a liberating experience to shed my garments and to see my body through different eyes for the first time in my life… to feel sexy and beautiful for my husband. I have worn the religious garment for almost 18 years, both day and night. They are ugly and unflattering and I have a severely distorted body image as a result. I’m slowly beginning to work on it, but it may take years to repair and undo the damage that has been done.
•Breaking of the law of chastity and others sexual sins are offenses against God and are deemed evil, (Harold B Lee) “yea, most abominable above all sins save it be the shedding of innocent blood or denying the Holy Ghost” (Alma 39:5)
•”Sexual union is lawful only in wedlock” and is to be used only for procreation. (Joseph F. Smith)
• "Married people who indulge their passions for any other purpose than to beget children, really committed adultery." (John Henry Smith)
As I read through some of these teachings that I’ve heard hundreds of times over the course of my life, I realize just how absurd they are.
There is too much emphasis placed on sexual sins. We are human beings with passions and natural curiosities and desires. We marry young for fear of ever incurring any sexual crimes. I was 19 years old. My husband was 18. Our first night together was our wedding night. We were both virgins. Not only were we inexperienced, but it was not a pleasant experience, particularly for me. I had these romantic fantasies of what a honeymoon would be like and this was far from. We are never given any opportunity to really explore and figure out if we are compatible on any sort of passionate level. Then once you are married, it is for time and all eternity regardless of whether you connect intimately or not. But then again, we are only to indulge in passions to beget children. This ludicrous idea has caused much confusion and inner turmoil for me over the years.
It’s no wonder I am filled with anger, for I have led a life of guilt- constantly ashamed of my unclean thoughts and actions; brainwashed to believe that I wasn’t supposed to be enjoying my intimate moments with my spouse. This has, in turn, been damaging to my relationship with my spouse, my marriage, and my self worth- the kind of damage that doesn’t go away over night.
I for one do not think it is the place of a church or any church leader to be counseling or judging on matters of intimacy, particularly that of a married couple. A friend of mine brought it to my attention that the church had a stand on oral sex, taught by an apostle, held to be doctrine, and that it was confirmed by a church leader. This was exceptionally bothersome to me. Then I read it for myself, “The First Presidency has interpreted oral sex as constituting an unnatural, impure, or unholy practice.”
What happens behind closed doors between husband and wife should stay there and it is not a matter of any church.
It was such a liberating experience to shed my garments and to see my body through different eyes for the first time in my life… to feel sexy and beautiful for my husband. I have worn the religious garment for almost 18 years, both day and night. They are ugly and unflattering and I have a severely distorted body image as a result. I’m slowly beginning to work on it, but it may take years to repair and undo the damage that has been done.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Where to start?
I created this blog for a couple reasons. One was with the hopes of being able to connect with others who are going through similar trials. It is a very lonely place to be, alienated by those whom you love who are closest to you, with no one to reach out to for fear of further isolation and alienation. I chose a title (misplaced mormon; muddling my way through the mormon mentality) similar to that of a tongue twister as a metaphor. It is a phrase that is “difficult to articulate”, the best description I could think of to express the way I am feeling at this stage in my life. I’m so confused and nothing I say seems to be right. I’m not a writer and I’m not even sure how to begin articulating my inner most thoughts and feelings that torment my soul on a regular basis. When I make attempts it comes out all garbled up, sorta like how I would equate a tongue twister in my mind.
I would also like to find peace because when you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others. When I looked up the definition of peace in wikipedia it stated that “peace is a state of balance and understanding in yourself and between others, where respect is gained by the acceptance of differences, tolerance persists, conflicts are resolved through dialog, people's rights are respected and their voices are heard, and everyone is at their highest point of serenity without social tension.” That is exactly what I want. Conflict, both internal and external, is exhausting. By opening up and offloading the burdens that torment me I hope to attain some level of inner peace, which might in turn help me better deal with the exterior; the antagonistic influences in my most immediate surroundings.
I was born and raised LDS, a religion that is not just a once a week thing, but a lifelong commitment… it encompasses all aspects of your life including your network of friends and acquaintances. The requirements and expectations are a full time job and overwhelming to say the least. And when you have brief moments of poor choices (i.e. gossiping, swearing, having bad thoughts, going to 2nd base with a boyfriend, or watching rated R movies- the sort of things a non-mormon wouldn’t think twice about) the guilt eats away at you until repentance is fulfilled for fear of an eternal life in hell. Every single choice up until now has been made only with the mormon principles and consequences in mind, including who you date, who you marry, and who you choose as friends. It overtakes your life and before you know it you realize you have no idea who you are or who you even want to be. It sucks you in so deep that it seems impossible to ever make your way out.
37 years later… angry, bitter, and unhappy are the only emotions that come to mind. I have lived the better part of my days in a state of agonizing misery, knowing I will never live up to the expectations required for eternal salvation in heaven. I have made choices driven by fear and guilt alone. I have no idea how to make decisions for myself. I have been hospitalized twice for depression, once for an attempted suicide. I was told that I needed to pray more and ask for healing and happiness; I would find answers if only I read the scriptures. It couldn’t possibly be a chemical imbalance or hormonally driven. I needed medicine and was continually poisoned with words that only made me feel more unhappy and guilty. After all, taking my own life is the most abominable and unforgivable sin. I needed to become more committed and indoctrinated in the LDS faith according to family and friends; recommit myself to the Lord. He is the way. This course of action never changed anything for me. I was still the same, depressed girl. Only more so - because I was told repeatedly that I was leading an inadequate, faithless life. I was ashamed of having such dark thoughts and feelings and continually reminded that those were “of the devil”.
I find myself at a crossroads. After months of contemplating the end of my existence on earth part of me thinks that a different life, even if it is a life in hell, might actually be better than this one. Another part of me thinks that if I’m actually looking death in the face, it might be time to reevaluate my life. Perhaps suicide would be worse than just leaving this faith that has caused so much hurt and anguish in my life. You could live your entire life doing everything you know to be right; by the book, and never attain eternal salvation if your motives are not pure, at least that is what they want you to believe. This has led me to really analyze the path that has led me here, including my beliefs. Have I ever really had my own testimony? Or has my life been driven solely out of obligation, expectations, and fear? When one is born “in the covenant”… your fate is sealed. At no time in your life are you ever given free rein to explore your own thoughts and ideas, particularly while still under your strict, extreme conservative, ultra religious, parent’s roof. They are in complete control and you do as they say. It is in a sense a sort of brainwashing. You are powerless and have no choice but to obey.
The most ironic part to me is that being raised LDS I’ve heard the phrase “free agency” literally hundreds of times, a term that means “privilege of choice”. Yet never in my life have I ever really felt like I had the slightest degree of freedom, particularly none to make my own choices. I am not a free agent so long as I am LDS. I am not free to think or make choices as I wish. I feel like a prisoner in my own life, in my own body. I am going through the motions, but my heart and mind long to be free. I have tried my entire life to always do the “right” thing. At least what I thought was the right thing. You know, the typical LDS code: go to church, pay your tithing, read your scriptures, fulfill your callings, marry in the temple, raise a family, etc.
I was taught right from wrong, and yet at this juncture in my life it seems the lines have been blurred because if doing the “right” thing causes this kind of unhappiness and depression, is it really the right thing? If my motives are not genuine or pure, then eternal salvation is out; not guaranteed at the least. Therefore, is a life of unhappiness really worth it?
I would also like to find peace because when you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others. When I looked up the definition of peace in wikipedia it stated that “peace is a state of balance and understanding in yourself and between others, where respect is gained by the acceptance of differences, tolerance persists, conflicts are resolved through dialog, people's rights are respected and their voices are heard, and everyone is at their highest point of serenity without social tension.” That is exactly what I want. Conflict, both internal and external, is exhausting. By opening up and offloading the burdens that torment me I hope to attain some level of inner peace, which might in turn help me better deal with the exterior; the antagonistic influences in my most immediate surroundings.
I was born and raised LDS, a religion that is not just a once a week thing, but a lifelong commitment… it encompasses all aspects of your life including your network of friends and acquaintances. The requirements and expectations are a full time job and overwhelming to say the least. And when you have brief moments of poor choices (i.e. gossiping, swearing, having bad thoughts, going to 2nd base with a boyfriend, or watching rated R movies- the sort of things a non-mormon wouldn’t think twice about) the guilt eats away at you until repentance is fulfilled for fear of an eternal life in hell. Every single choice up until now has been made only with the mormon principles and consequences in mind, including who you date, who you marry, and who you choose as friends. It overtakes your life and before you know it you realize you have no idea who you are or who you even want to be. It sucks you in so deep that it seems impossible to ever make your way out.
37 years later… angry, bitter, and unhappy are the only emotions that come to mind. I have lived the better part of my days in a state of agonizing misery, knowing I will never live up to the expectations required for eternal salvation in heaven. I have made choices driven by fear and guilt alone. I have no idea how to make decisions for myself. I have been hospitalized twice for depression, once for an attempted suicide. I was told that I needed to pray more and ask for healing and happiness; I would find answers if only I read the scriptures. It couldn’t possibly be a chemical imbalance or hormonally driven. I needed medicine and was continually poisoned with words that only made me feel more unhappy and guilty. After all, taking my own life is the most abominable and unforgivable sin. I needed to become more committed and indoctrinated in the LDS faith according to family and friends; recommit myself to the Lord. He is the way. This course of action never changed anything for me. I was still the same, depressed girl. Only more so - because I was told repeatedly that I was leading an inadequate, faithless life. I was ashamed of having such dark thoughts and feelings and continually reminded that those were “of the devil”.
I find myself at a crossroads. After months of contemplating the end of my existence on earth part of me thinks that a different life, even if it is a life in hell, might actually be better than this one. Another part of me thinks that if I’m actually looking death in the face, it might be time to reevaluate my life. Perhaps suicide would be worse than just leaving this faith that has caused so much hurt and anguish in my life. You could live your entire life doing everything you know to be right; by the book, and never attain eternal salvation if your motives are not pure, at least that is what they want you to believe. This has led me to really analyze the path that has led me here, including my beliefs. Have I ever really had my own testimony? Or has my life been driven solely out of obligation, expectations, and fear? When one is born “in the covenant”… your fate is sealed. At no time in your life are you ever given free rein to explore your own thoughts and ideas, particularly while still under your strict, extreme conservative, ultra religious, parent’s roof. They are in complete control and you do as they say. It is in a sense a sort of brainwashing. You are powerless and have no choice but to obey.
The most ironic part to me is that being raised LDS I’ve heard the phrase “free agency” literally hundreds of times, a term that means “privilege of choice”. Yet never in my life have I ever really felt like I had the slightest degree of freedom, particularly none to make my own choices. I am not a free agent so long as I am LDS. I am not free to think or make choices as I wish. I feel like a prisoner in my own life, in my own body. I am going through the motions, but my heart and mind long to be free. I have tried my entire life to always do the “right” thing. At least what I thought was the right thing. You know, the typical LDS code: go to church, pay your tithing, read your scriptures, fulfill your callings, marry in the temple, raise a family, etc.
I was taught right from wrong, and yet at this juncture in my life it seems the lines have been blurred because if doing the “right” thing causes this kind of unhappiness and depression, is it really the right thing? If my motives are not genuine or pure, then eternal salvation is out; not guaranteed at the least. Therefore, is a life of unhappiness really worth it?
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