Indefinite break

So, I’m taking a break from church… for the first time in my life. Not because I am sick or away on vacation, but because I want to. For the last several months every single time I attended I would leave angry and bitter, mostly because I didn’t want to be there. Sometimes I would feel a little sick inside hearing things like, “This is the one and only true church on the face of the earth” or “I know these things to be true beyond a shadow of a doubt”. How can any one person profess such profound things with a clear conscience? Sometimes listening would prove to be too much, so I would tune everything out and wonder why I was there. I would instead think of all the other things I’d rather be doing with my time.

When I was active in the church I had very few LDS friends, at least not ones I connected with. Now that I haven’t been for a few weeks people are coming out of the woodwork. All of a sudden I have all sorts of people calling me and emailing and worrying about my soul.

The truth is my soul has been in trouble for several years now. Where were they then?

I had doubts and questions, yet never felt like I could talk about them, let alone act on them. I had hopes that with our new building we would get a good shake up and we would somehow magically have a better ward. There had been talk of redrawing the ward boundaries. (LDS are assigned wards based on the location of their home.) Unfortunately that did not happen. We have the smallest, most impoverished ward of the three in our area and it is full of strange, peculiar people. It may sound unchristian, but it is the truth. I would go to church and feel guilty as I sat behind certain families. You know the ones- you can hardly breathe because hygiene is not a priority to them. They lack manners and social etiquette. All the while you’re having bad thoughts about them and worrying that you are going to hell for being so judgmental.

To make matters worse we had a bishop that was a harsh, dominating man, not the sort of man with lots of friends and definitely not a person I would ever care to associate with. But he was the father of our ward and as a member it is required to sustain and support him. He started having “revelations” regarding matters in the ward that I found to be most disturbing, things that affected me and my family. Things like a Scout Blue & Gold Banquet and Halloween Trunk or Treat. Seemingly small, but that was the point... revelations about such trivial matters. At the time my husband was the Cub Master and the bishop was denying him the opportunity to fulfill his calling. He was a power hungry dictator who abused his authority in the name of “revelations”, making sure that all knew who was in charge. “You do as I say.” He would bang his fists and shout, “I had a revelation.” There is much more to it than that, but that’s the gist of it. I was so upset over it that I wrote a letter to the Stake President. After meeting with him and discussing the matters that most troubled me the Stake President gave me a list of 6 things to do. All of them involved things I had to do to change so that I would be more accepting of this bishop and this situation. As time went on I just became more and more unhappy and bitter. A bishop is supposed to be kind and gentle and loving. I couldn’t help but wonder how this man ever got into a position of authority- he had none of the qualities a bishop should have. It made me really question revelations and priesthood authority. I was reminded over and over, “The church is perfect, the people aren’t.” After much contemplation I finally realized that it wasn’t just the people, but that the church was also imperfect.

I started doing research on my own regarding the history of the church and found very disturbing accounts concerning Joseph Smith and his plural wives. He slept with women who were under age and already married in the name of revelation. He secretively practiced polygamy, marrying many wives without his wife’s knowledge. These are things you never hear about in Sunday School. How could a man that was supposed to be a prophet lie to his wife and commit adultery? Adultery is a serious crime that results in excommunication from the church today.

So, began my many quandaries…

One article lead to another and then another. My mind was awakened. I pondered and prayed and continued to be confused and uncertain. I attempted to talk with my family, which only led to contention and conflict. I was told they would put me on the temple prayer role and pray for me. All I wanted was a listening ear and maybe some answers. I guess that was too much to ask for.

I think the lack of answers and defensive reactions only made me question things more and that compiled with additional reading ultimately drove me away from my LDS roots.

It was a liberating decision to stop going to church. I thought I would instantly feel better, but it has been a decision wrought with mixed emotions. I’ve been LDS my whole life and it has become, in a sense, a big part of my identity.

Now I get to be a free thinker and figure out who I am outside of the LDS shackles. Wish me luck. It is going to be a long road. I had a friend recently tell me that I still have much life left to live. This has given me great comfort as I forge ahead.