Where to start?

I created this blog for a couple reasons. One was with the hopes of being able to connect with others who are going through similar trials. It is a very lonely place to be, alienated by those whom you love who are closest to you, with no one to reach out to for fear of further isolation and alienation. I chose a title (misplaced mormon; muddling my way through the mormon mentality) similar to that of a tongue twister as a metaphor. It is a phrase that is “difficult to articulate”, the best description I could think of to express the way I am feeling at this stage in my life. I’m so confused and nothing I say seems to be right. I’m not a writer and I’m not even sure how to begin articulating my inner most thoughts and feelings that torment my soul on a regular basis. When I make attempts it comes out all garbled up, sorta like how I would equate a tongue twister in my mind.

I would also like to find peace because when you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others. When I looked up the definition of peace in wikipedia it stated that “peace is a state of balance and understanding in yourself and between others, where respect is gained by the acceptance of differences, tolerance persists, conflicts are resolved through dialog, people's rights are respected and their voices are heard, and everyone is at their highest point of serenity without social tension.” That is exactly what I want. Conflict, both internal and external, is exhausting. By opening up and offloading the burdens that torment me I hope to attain some level of inner peace, which might in turn help me better deal with the exterior; the antagonistic influences in my most immediate surroundings.

I was born and raised LDS, a religion that is not just a once a week thing, but a lifelong commitment… it encompasses all aspects of your life including your network of friends and acquaintances. The requirements and expectations are a full time job and overwhelming to say the least. And when you have brief moments of poor choices (i.e. gossiping, swearing, having bad thoughts, going to 2nd base with a boyfriend, or watching rated R movies- the sort of things a non-mormon wouldn’t think twice about) the guilt eats away at you until repentance is fulfilled for fear of an eternal life in hell. Every single choice up until now has been made only with the mormon principles and consequences in mind, including who you date, who you marry, and who you choose as friends. It overtakes your life and before you know it you realize you have no idea who you are or who you even want to be. It sucks you in so deep that it seems impossible to ever make your way out.

37 years later… angry, bitter, and unhappy are the only emotions that come to mind. I have lived the better part of my days in a state of agonizing misery, knowing I will never live up to the expectations required for eternal salvation in heaven. I have made choices driven by fear and guilt alone. I have no idea how to make decisions for myself. I have been hospitalized twice for depression, once for an attempted suicide. I was told that I needed to pray more and ask for healing and happiness; I would find answers if only I read the scriptures. It couldn’t possibly be a chemical imbalance or hormonally driven. I needed medicine and was continually poisoned with words that only made me feel more unhappy and guilty. After all, taking my own life is the most abominable and unforgivable sin. I needed to become more committed and indoctrinated in the LDS faith according to family and friends; recommit myself to the Lord. He is the way. This course of action never changed anything for me. I was still the same, depressed girl. Only more so - because I was told repeatedly that I was leading an inadequate, faithless life. I was ashamed of having such dark thoughts and feelings and continually reminded that those were “of the devil”.

I find myself at a crossroads. After months of contemplating the end of my existence on earth part of me thinks that a different life, even if it is a life in hell, might actually be better than this one. Another part of me thinks that if I’m actually looking death in the face, it might be time to reevaluate my life. Perhaps suicide would be worse than just leaving this faith that has caused so much hurt and anguish in my life. You could live your entire life doing everything you know to be right; by the book, and never attain eternal salvation if your motives are not pure, at least that is what they want you to believe. This has led me to really analyze the path that has led me here, including my beliefs. Have I ever really had my own testimony? Or has my life been driven solely out of obligation, expectations, and fear? When one is born “in the covenant”… your fate is sealed. At no time in your life are you ever given free rein to explore your own thoughts and ideas, particularly while still under your strict, extreme conservative, ultra religious, parent’s roof. They are in complete control and you do as they say. It is in a sense a sort of brainwashing. You are powerless and have no choice but to obey.

The most ironic part to me is that being raised LDS I’ve heard the phrase “free agency” literally hundreds of times, a term that means “privilege of choice”. Yet never in my life have I ever really felt like I had the slightest degree of freedom, particularly none to make my own choices. I am not a free agent so long as I am LDS. I am not free to think or make choices as I wish. I feel like a prisoner in my own life, in my own body. I am going through the motions, but my heart and mind long to be free. I have tried my entire life to always do the “right” thing. At least what I thought was the right thing. You know, the typical LDS code: go to church, pay your tithing, read your scriptures, fulfill your callings, marry in the temple, raise a family, etc.

I was taught right from wrong, and yet at this juncture in my life it seems the lines have been blurred because if doing the “right” thing causes this kind of unhappiness and depression, is it really the right thing? If my motives are not genuine or pure, then eternal salvation is out; not guaranteed at the least. Therefore, is a life of unhappiness really worth it?