Breaking the cycle.

As I pull farther away from the mormon ways and the mormon mentality I find myself pulling away from everyone and anyone that is connected or associated with mormonism; perhaps subconscious in nature- a sort of coping mechanism if you will.

My mother called me the other day and we chatted for a while. Then she told me that she missed me. I made up some excuse as to why I haven't been available, but I guess I didn't even realize that I had stopped calling, maybe even stopped answering.

Talking to my mother has never been easy for me. Over the years we talked on an almost daily basis and most times ended with tears or feelings of guilt or frustration on my part. She is a very controlling person and without even realizing it she judges. She judges everything- both your thoughts and your actions. I have never truly been allowed to be me or to think for myself. The conversations were only good when we talked about things she wanted to or I agreed with her on whatever subject matter it was for that day. It is exhausting, always trying to please someone for fear of their judgment.

The one thing I fear most in the whole world is the thought that I am becoming her. And just admitting that makes me feel like such a horrible person. It's not that she's a bad person. She has many good qualities. She is kind, thoughtful, giving, generous, organized, and intelligent, as well as many other things that most people adore about her.

But she was never warm and fuzzy. I don't remember ever having much affection as a child. Dad was gone a lot traveling and she ran the show alone most of the time. She kept pretty much to herself and made sure we understood that "you don't air your dirty laundry." She never played with me or my siblings- perhaps there was never any time with all the gardening, canning, and running children here or there. She never accepted orthodox medicine and to this day is still in denial about her own mental health issues. The one thing that most disturbs me is the degree of control she exhibits over me. I am married with children. When will it stop?

I am trying desperately to allow my children to make choices for themselves and to teach them that it's ok to question things, but there are days that it is hard for me. I am a perfectionist and like to have things a certain way. There are days I have let my daughter do her own hair or dress herself only to worry that people will think less of me as a mother.

I would like to break the cycle, but I'm not sure how. And for whatever reason, I associate her imperfections and personality flaws with her being mormon. It may or may not be connected, but it makes me want to have nothing to do with her right now.

It leaves me in a lonely place, as I struggle to figure out my place in this world minus mormonism.

Chicken.

I haven't written in some time now. I guess I needed a break. Although my mind doesn't seem to rest much, it's been in over-drive lately and I needed to let it process the material already input before I added more. It might even be time to do some purging of files up there. It's pretty full. Wouldn't it be great if it was really that easy? I do think our minds are amazing, having the capability and capacity to take in such massive amounts of information and somehow process and store all of it.

This weekend I had an opportunity to visit with family. I was prepared for some sort of confrontation, but I got there and realized that it was not the right time. My dad was celebrating his birthday and I wanted the weekend to be about him. So, in other words- I chickened out. I bunked with my sister and tried really hard to keep things light and fun. It was a success, or so I thought.

Last night I called her to ask a quick question and before I hung up she asked me what was going on. I said, "nothing." To which she boldy asked, "Why are you not wearing your garments?" I was very discreet and always covered. I never thought it would be an issue.

I was a bit surprised by the fact that she noticed and that she was actually asking. I wasn't quite sure what to say. I was totally on the spot. I have been accused of being confrontational and I really don't want that right now in my life, especially after such a nice weekend.

I took a deep breath and just told her that I didn't believe and that there was no point in my wearing them. She wanted more, but that was all I was willing to give.

There was a long pause on the phone and then she said, "Well, I just want you to know that I will love you regardless of what you believe." I told her I appreciated those words, which I do. I'm just not 100% convinced that she means them.

She also doesn't know the full extent of my feelings and I know that there are no secrets in my family. Everyone knows everyone's business. I'm pretty good about not spreading gossip. I hate it. There have been times that one of my sisters will share a secret and ask me not to tell anyone only to keep it to myself and then find out 3 years later that everyone already knew.

So, I'm worried now that within weeks or maybe even days everyone will know this about me. I'm worried most because there is a girl's trip planned for April and I would really like to go and not have any issues or contention.

I also know that as much as mormons try not to, they all judge. In the new testament there are several different times that they talk about this very thing. "Judge not, that you be not judged. For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you." -Matthew 7:1-2

As much as I love my family, at times it seems like it would be so much easier to be in a family where you truly are accepted for who you are regardless of differences.

My mother has some sort of strange powerful control over all of us. I ended up at church even though I totally didn't want to go and dreaded every minute. If I didn't have church clothes she was sure to find them for me.

During sacrament my sister who had already left texted me about the obese woman sitting on top of her. I was trying to comfort her and we texted back and forth for a while. I thought my mom would blow a gasket because I was "texting" during church. Seriously? I'm 37. I'm at church. What more does she want?

Let me make my own decisions and stop judging me. Stop making me feel guilty for not believing what you believe. I am a big girl now and need to be treated as such.

I wish so much I could voice those thoughts, instead I share them on an anonymous blog.

I am a big chicken.

my head hurts.

When I decided to take a break from church I immediately did what I do best... research. When I don't know something and no one seems willing to share answers, google never lets me down. I'm so thankful for the immediate gratification. My mind can be insatiable at times.

My eyes have been opened. It's an amazing process to finally become aware that everything you've thought to be true your entire life may in fact not be. It's a confusing place to be as you reflect on the past and attempt to live in the present with the new found realizations. I have never lived outside of the mormon bubble, if you will. What now?

After weeks of reading and not sleeping well as my mind tries to process all of this information... I've decided my head hurts. I'm tired of all this thinking. Although I realize that it is imperative to the healing process, I also think a break from all this thinking is in order.

I'm sure as hard as I try there will be nights, such as this one, that my mind doesn't want to turn off. Maybe I need to allow some time to fully process everything I've taken in before I introduce new material. One thing at a time, that is enough for now.

"Insanity is often the logic of an accurate mind overtasked." -Oliver W. Holmes, Sr., The Autocrat of the Breakfast-Table, 1858

Responding

Lisa writes:
"we'll...i get what you're saying about lds women and depression, BUT, i have to disagree with that list. i don't feel that pressure to HAVE to do all of those things....especially being sub-par to my husband. we have different "roles", but we are equal, we're both humans! and many of those things on the list happen in other denominations too...it's all the same, you teach your children, and your childrens children the same beliefs. people want there children to marry within there same faith....ALL churches want people to convert to there system, and even in the old testement, there are strict guidelines for entering the temple, so i'm guessing you have issues with the bible itself. as far as males literally dominating everything within the church- think it's stetching the truth. use the free agency you have, not just by not going to church....but when and if you go back, not doing things you don't want/choose to do!! and choosing not to feel bad/guilty/less than others/not a "good" mormon women/ or as if you're not obeying.....you have that right, it's your life!now i know you're probably annoyed at my comment, but i don't think you should only read what you want to hear. others on here are giving you advice and comments about leaving the church and how wonderful it is, but you can have that same "FREEDOM" feeling still being in the church. you need to decide if you believe the book of mormon, and then YOU choose what your going to do with it, and if you do believe, how your going to move forward within the church differently so it's not only short of impossible for you anymore, but is very tolerable and good!! if you decide you don't believe, do what yo need to do, but i think as you search other churches, you will be disappointed in what they offer too."

In response:
I think the list is to the extreme, but true nonetheless. The church is run by men and everything in the church down to a modesty activity for activity day girls is approved or denied by a man. I have never considered myself a feminist, but am very annoyed with this notion. Whether you believe it or not, women are not equal in the church. Inadequate, imperfect, men run the show. Many of which are power hungry control freaks and I am not just referring to one in particular. Also, in the endowment temple ordinance it states that "women are to obey their husband and hearken unto the counsel of their husbands." Although my husband is not a "controlling" person per se, I have always tried to be a devoted, committed LDS spouse and member by obeying all of the laws and ordinances. I never took this covenant lightly. I was never one to do anything halfhearted and I have struggled with strong feelings of guilt if everything wasn't done perfectly. I'm sure my personality comes into play as well, which only further magnifies and complicates my feelings.

I realize that many of the items on the list pertain to other faiths, but that doesn't make it apply any less to mormons. Perhaps I am agnostic and don't really like the idea of organized religion right now. Although I want my children to be taught about God and right and wrong, etc... I never want them to feel like they have been brainwashed and not allowed to think for themselves or make choices outside of a rigid belief system. I don't know where that leaves me... as I'm still in the process of figuring things out. That's really what this blog is for is to vent and get out all the things I could never say before. (I am currently not in the market for new churches.)

I know that each and every person is different and that this does not affect everyone the same, but for whatever reason there are aspects about the priesthood and hierarchy of the church that I find bothersome- as well as many other things.

I feel like I haven't had much of a say in many things in the church (i.e. sustaining church leaders, gospel principles and doctrine, callings- you never cause any conflict or upheaval). I have seen many things in the 37 years that are disturbing regarding the church, "priesthood authority" being abused specifically. I have reached my max for now and need a break in a desperate way.

I am happy for those that are happy in the mormon faith. Everyone learns and grows in different ways at different rates. We are also at different levels of understanding and acceptance based on experiences. For those that are converts and allowed to make the choice to join of their own free will it might seem different to them. Maybe if they were born under the covenant and spent their entire life utterly and completely committed to nothing but the mormon faith without feeling they could ever live, let alone speak anything to the contrary… it can be overwhelming to say the least- especially when you finally wake up and realize that how you have lived for 37 years is the exact reason that you are unhappy and depressed.

I’m not even exactly sure how I feel and I'm still trying to process it all to determine where the anger and bitterness is rooted specifically. What I do know is that the feelings are real and have been internalized for many years. Now my primary goal is to get to the bottom of it and figure out who I am and how to make decisions for myself and exist without the mormon inconsistencies and falsehoods.

I welcome all thoughts and ideas from both sides.... but need to be free to think through my feelings right now (whatever they may be) without judgment.

Mormon Women and Prozac.

So, a while back a friend told me that Utah had the highest consumption of Prozac than any other state, but I didn’t think much of it at the time.

Skip forward several years.

Then I hit rock bottom. There were many reasons that made me want to stop going to church, but the one thing that ultimately drove me away was depression. Not the kind of depression you can fix with your favorite chocolate or a funny movie. I’m talking the can’t see straight, I’m trapped in a deep, dark hole and can’t get out kind of depression. Not pretty. I had to do some serious soul searching that hurt like hell at times. Reflecting back over the course of my life and all the events that led me to my current frame of mind… I experienced the entire gamut of emotions and then some. But this process was necessary for me. It was very eye opening and scary all the same and left me more than a little confused about my identity.

It was suicide or stop going to church. Obviously I opted for the latter. I’m not sure where this road leads me, but for now it has given me a little peace and moments of happiness.

As I was doing a little reading I came across a study, “Mormon Women, Prozac, and Therapy” by Kent Ponder, Ph.D. As I read the study I found it to be insightful and very validating. I wish so much that I could have had those words available to me 19 years ago. It could have made such a difference in my life. After an attempted suicide at 18 my mother removed me from the hospital I was in because I was “nothing like those people.” She never addressed the issues at hand, never allowed therapy or medication, never admitted there was any problem, and continually told me that I only needed to pray more (among other things along those lines).

My husband who was also born into the mormon faith has told me on numerous occasions that he had all the same lessons as me and doesn’t know how I can feel the way I do. I have had to gently remind him that we are different people and that we process and interpret things differently. Not to mention that we are opposite sexes and don’t see eye to eye on most things.

As I read the article it was a very clear theme throughout: women are affected by depression much more than men, particularly lds women who have been taught to live by a flawed belief system. They discussed three realities for lds woman.

1. For females, "One size fits all."
2. Females obey males from birth to death.
3. Females lack control of their own life choices.

I found their "One Size Fits All Females" list of 24 items to be slightly disturbing and incredibly accurate:

• be respectfully, politely, humbly and gratefully subservient to Mormon males in personal demeanor, activities, beliefs, plans and thought.
• not be, nor aspire to be, nor hope to be, independent from authoritarian males, nor independent in thought.
• attend male-directed religious services.
• participate in male-directed activities. (Even female-led projects are organized under male authorities.)
• attend male-directed weekday seminary classes in addition to academic school.
• obey all male-hierarchy-generated directives.
• submit to male-originated personal-matter (including sexual) private interviews.
• obtain a Patriarchal Blessing which usually promises becoming a mother in Zion if faithful and obedient.
• do genealogy research on male-headed (patriarchal) family lineages.
• marry an LDS man in an LDS temple.
• accept counsel from her husband, and not as just his opinion, but as God-inspired revelation.
• look to her husband as essential to her entry into the best category of Heaven.
• have children, more being far better than few.
• raise all of her children in this exact-same system.
• attend only the chapel assigned to her residence address, regardless of preference.
• accept that if she and family attend any other than this chapel, she and they cannot enter Mormon temples.
• know that her husband may, in the next life, marry numerous additional wives.
• know that she may not marry any additional husband, here (if still married to the first one) or hereafter.
• accept callings to work in church, auxiliary and welfare-project organizations.
• make several forms of financial contributions, ten percent tithing being only one.
• teach her children to become missionaries to convert other individuals into this same system.
• teach this same system to her grandchildren.
• teach her daughters and granddaughters to obey males at home and at church.
• never openly criticize any doctrine, practice, directive or male authority related to any of the above.

Ponder goes on to say that, “many of these women discover that, too often, what they pray for is what keeps them in depression. For these women, ironically and tragically, the more prayer, the more depression!" What a profound concept.

As women we feel more. We are more spiritual, more emotional, more passionate, more intuitive, and more affected by things both in and out of our control.

The world is filled with sadness of all kinds available to us at the push of a button. Wars, natural calamities, sickness, abuse, loss of life, and trials beyond our wildest imaginations are flashed across the television screen on a regular basis. Stories around the world are more widely available and shared more than any time before thanks to an explosion of technological advances. I am deeply affected by the negative things I see and hear.

There are also many demands placed on me by my family, church and community. I am expected to be the family CEO as well as the maid, short order cook, organizer, disciplinarian, comforter, day care provider, scheduler, accountant, chauffeur, counselor, nurse, laundress, entertainer, personal stylist, and educator (as well as many others). I am expected to obey all of the commandments, including the word of wisdom and laws of tithing and chastity, be a submissive wife and woman in the lds community serving to my fullest capacity in service to my god and fellow men, rear my children to be devoted lds servants to ensure entrance to the celestial kingdom and inherit the kingdom of God. Oh, and be beautiful at all times. Nothing short of impossible. As much as I would love to be perfect, this is an unrealistic ideal that will never be attained in this lifetime as hard as I may try.

Yet as lds women we are expected to do this and so much more with very little acknowledgement or appreciation.

Is it any wonder that women take prozac more than men?