Breaking the cycle.

As I pull farther away from the mormon ways and the mormon mentality I find myself pulling away from everyone and anyone that is connected or associated with mormonism; perhaps subconscious in nature- a sort of coping mechanism if you will.

My mother called me the other day and we chatted for a while. Then she told me that she missed me. I made up some excuse as to why I haven't been available, but I guess I didn't even realize that I had stopped calling, maybe even stopped answering.

Talking to my mother has never been easy for me. Over the years we talked on an almost daily basis and most times ended with tears or feelings of guilt or frustration on my part. She is a very controlling person and without even realizing it she judges. She judges everything- both your thoughts and your actions. I have never truly been allowed to be me or to think for myself. The conversations were only good when we talked about things she wanted to or I agreed with her on whatever subject matter it was for that day. It is exhausting, always trying to please someone for fear of their judgment.

The one thing I fear most in the whole world is the thought that I am becoming her. And just admitting that makes me feel like such a horrible person. It's not that she's a bad person. She has many good qualities. She is kind, thoughtful, giving, generous, organized, and intelligent, as well as many other things that most people adore about her.

But she was never warm and fuzzy. I don't remember ever having much affection as a child. Dad was gone a lot traveling and she ran the show alone most of the time. She kept pretty much to herself and made sure we understood that "you don't air your dirty laundry." She never played with me or my siblings- perhaps there was never any time with all the gardening, canning, and running children here or there. She never accepted orthodox medicine and to this day is still in denial about her own mental health issues. The one thing that most disturbs me is the degree of control she exhibits over me. I am married with children. When will it stop?

I am trying desperately to allow my children to make choices for themselves and to teach them that it's ok to question things, but there are days that it is hard for me. I am a perfectionist and like to have things a certain way. There are days I have let my daughter do her own hair or dress herself only to worry that people will think less of me as a mother.

I would like to break the cycle, but I'm not sure how. And for whatever reason, I associate her imperfections and personality flaws with her being mormon. It may or may not be connected, but it makes me want to have nothing to do with her right now.

It leaves me in a lonely place, as I struggle to figure out my place in this world minus mormonism.