Responding

Lisa writes:
"we'll...i get what you're saying about lds women and depression, BUT, i have to disagree with that list. i don't feel that pressure to HAVE to do all of those things....especially being sub-par to my husband. we have different "roles", but we are equal, we're both humans! and many of those things on the list happen in other denominations too...it's all the same, you teach your children, and your childrens children the same beliefs. people want there children to marry within there same faith....ALL churches want people to convert to there system, and even in the old testement, there are strict guidelines for entering the temple, so i'm guessing you have issues with the bible itself. as far as males literally dominating everything within the church- think it's stetching the truth. use the free agency you have, not just by not going to church....but when and if you go back, not doing things you don't want/choose to do!! and choosing not to feel bad/guilty/less than others/not a "good" mormon women/ or as if you're not obeying.....you have that right, it's your life!now i know you're probably annoyed at my comment, but i don't think you should only read what you want to hear. others on here are giving you advice and comments about leaving the church and how wonderful it is, but you can have that same "FREEDOM" feeling still being in the church. you need to decide if you believe the book of mormon, and then YOU choose what your going to do with it, and if you do believe, how your going to move forward within the church differently so it's not only short of impossible for you anymore, but is very tolerable and good!! if you decide you don't believe, do what yo need to do, but i think as you search other churches, you will be disappointed in what they offer too."

In response:
I think the list is to the extreme, but true nonetheless. The church is run by men and everything in the church down to a modesty activity for activity day girls is approved or denied by a man. I have never considered myself a feminist, but am very annoyed with this notion. Whether you believe it or not, women are not equal in the church. Inadequate, imperfect, men run the show. Many of which are power hungry control freaks and I am not just referring to one in particular. Also, in the endowment temple ordinance it states that "women are to obey their husband and hearken unto the counsel of their husbands." Although my husband is not a "controlling" person per se, I have always tried to be a devoted, committed LDS spouse and member by obeying all of the laws and ordinances. I never took this covenant lightly. I was never one to do anything halfhearted and I have struggled with strong feelings of guilt if everything wasn't done perfectly. I'm sure my personality comes into play as well, which only further magnifies and complicates my feelings.

I realize that many of the items on the list pertain to other faiths, but that doesn't make it apply any less to mormons. Perhaps I am agnostic and don't really like the idea of organized religion right now. Although I want my children to be taught about God and right and wrong, etc... I never want them to feel like they have been brainwashed and not allowed to think for themselves or make choices outside of a rigid belief system. I don't know where that leaves me... as I'm still in the process of figuring things out. That's really what this blog is for is to vent and get out all the things I could never say before. (I am currently not in the market for new churches.)

I know that each and every person is different and that this does not affect everyone the same, but for whatever reason there are aspects about the priesthood and hierarchy of the church that I find bothersome- as well as many other things.

I feel like I haven't had much of a say in many things in the church (i.e. sustaining church leaders, gospel principles and doctrine, callings- you never cause any conflict or upheaval). I have seen many things in the 37 years that are disturbing regarding the church, "priesthood authority" being abused specifically. I have reached my max for now and need a break in a desperate way.

I am happy for those that are happy in the mormon faith. Everyone learns and grows in different ways at different rates. We are also at different levels of understanding and acceptance based on experiences. For those that are converts and allowed to make the choice to join of their own free will it might seem different to them. Maybe if they were born under the covenant and spent their entire life utterly and completely committed to nothing but the mormon faith without feeling they could ever live, let alone speak anything to the contrary… it can be overwhelming to say the least- especially when you finally wake up and realize that how you have lived for 37 years is the exact reason that you are unhappy and depressed.

I’m not even exactly sure how I feel and I'm still trying to process it all to determine where the anger and bitterness is rooted specifically. What I do know is that the feelings are real and have been internalized for many years. Now my primary goal is to get to the bottom of it and figure out who I am and how to make decisions for myself and exist without the mormon inconsistencies and falsehoods.

I welcome all thoughts and ideas from both sides.... but need to be free to think through my feelings right now (whatever they may be) without judgment.