Chicken.

I haven't written in some time now. I guess I needed a break. Although my mind doesn't seem to rest much, it's been in over-drive lately and I needed to let it process the material already input before I added more. It might even be time to do some purging of files up there. It's pretty full. Wouldn't it be great if it was really that easy? I do think our minds are amazing, having the capability and capacity to take in such massive amounts of information and somehow process and store all of it.

This weekend I had an opportunity to visit with family. I was prepared for some sort of confrontation, but I got there and realized that it was not the right time. My dad was celebrating his birthday and I wanted the weekend to be about him. So, in other words- I chickened out. I bunked with my sister and tried really hard to keep things light and fun. It was a success, or so I thought.

Last night I called her to ask a quick question and before I hung up she asked me what was going on. I said, "nothing." To which she boldy asked, "Why are you not wearing your garments?" I was very discreet and always covered. I never thought it would be an issue.

I was a bit surprised by the fact that she noticed and that she was actually asking. I wasn't quite sure what to say. I was totally on the spot. I have been accused of being confrontational and I really don't want that right now in my life, especially after such a nice weekend.

I took a deep breath and just told her that I didn't believe and that there was no point in my wearing them. She wanted more, but that was all I was willing to give.

There was a long pause on the phone and then she said, "Well, I just want you to know that I will love you regardless of what you believe." I told her I appreciated those words, which I do. I'm just not 100% convinced that she means them.

She also doesn't know the full extent of my feelings and I know that there are no secrets in my family. Everyone knows everyone's business. I'm pretty good about not spreading gossip. I hate it. There have been times that one of my sisters will share a secret and ask me not to tell anyone only to keep it to myself and then find out 3 years later that everyone already knew.

So, I'm worried now that within weeks or maybe even days everyone will know this about me. I'm worried most because there is a girl's trip planned for April and I would really like to go and not have any issues or contention.

I also know that as much as mormons try not to, they all judge. In the new testament there are several different times that they talk about this very thing. "Judge not, that you be not judged. For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you." -Matthew 7:1-2

As much as I love my family, at times it seems like it would be so much easier to be in a family where you truly are accepted for who you are regardless of differences.

My mother has some sort of strange powerful control over all of us. I ended up at church even though I totally didn't want to go and dreaded every minute. If I didn't have church clothes she was sure to find them for me.

During sacrament my sister who had already left texted me about the obese woman sitting on top of her. I was trying to comfort her and we texted back and forth for a while. I thought my mom would blow a gasket because I was "texting" during church. Seriously? I'm 37. I'm at church. What more does she want?

Let me make my own decisions and stop judging me. Stop making me feel guilty for not believing what you believe. I am a big girl now and need to be treated as such.

I wish so much I could voice those thoughts, instead I share them on an anonymous blog.

I am a big chicken.