After months of not going to regular Sunday services I decided to go with the family this past Sunday. I had bought the children Easter outfits only to learn that Easter and General Conference fall on the exact same day. So, I opted to attend the week before Easter.
It turned out to be fast and testimony Sunday, a time when anyone can get up and share their testimony. One brother stood and I instantly knew what was coming. All suspicions proved true as he professed to be a doctor of sorts without any medical degree spewing all sorts of odd information about vitamins and herbs and the uses they possess. After almost 10 minutes of this nonsense I decided I had had enough and I exited the chapel. Unfortunately my husband had the keys, so all I could do was walk the halls. The ridiculous so-called testimony continued, as it can be heard in all parts of the church. After "milk is poison" I consciously stopped listening until the very end after he had closed his testimony "in the name of Jesus Christ". He then uttered, "and I can back up all of this with documentation." I wish so much I was in there and had raised my hand to ask for it at that very moment, but no... nothing like that. I just shook my head and continued to wonder why I was there.
I was missing my yoga class for this?
Then a second man arose to bear his testimony. Again, nothing related to church or anything spiritual on any level... a bunch of crap about who knows what. I again tuned it out.
Luckily my son had a soccer game and it gave us an early out. After sacrament we left.
The very next day my visiting teachers dropped in. (Code: bring your kids and let them destroy my house.) This particular time there were only 2 children who were actually pretty well behaved, but on numerous occasions I have had as many as 6 children when mine were in school. My home became something of a daycare and it was never quite the same when they left as when they arrived.
After visiting for a short while they told me they had found a message they wanted to share with me. This particular month she had chosen her very own message from a previous conference talk. I can think of many things that could be shared that might have been uplifting to me or of some value, but the message they shared was absolutely not- either.
She proceeds to tell me that she just loved this talk. The apostle said that "in the last days the very elect will be deceived." She then goes on to say, "You need to be reading your book of mormon daily so that you don't fall prey to this. It is also your responsibility to teach your children all they need to know because you will be held ultimately responsible."
Seriously? Of all the messages she could share this is what she chooses? Does she not know that I have heard this at least a hundred times already? A very inappropriate message... insensitive in every way. Do they think they are better than me? If so, it only further proves my argument that mormons are the most judgmental people I know.
Why not just shoot me now because I'm certain I'm going to hell!
We talked briefly about the testimony meeting the previous day and I told her that it was definitely not great and that I wouldn't be back anytime soon. "I go to church to be spiritually fed and this didn't do it for me."
She then says that she has decided it is up to us as individuals to fill our own spiritual cups and that we cannot rely on others to do that for us.
So, then- I am left with only one question, Why do we even go to church if it is not to be fed spiritually? If we go with the intentions of not having our cups filled- then why? We can fill our own cups at home or at Yoga or from a book. Then why?
It seems asinine to me, which is exactly what I told her- to which I felt bad then saying it in front of a 2 year old and a baby. I apologized, but in all honesty... there is no other word for it.
If we don't go to church to be uplifted or fed spiritually... if we leave feeling worse than when we went...
What is the purpose? Why then does one attend church?
Is it to socialize? (Because I can think of many people I'd rather spend my time with.)
Is it out of fear? (Because I'm already going to hell regardless- according to them.)
Is it to fulfill a calling? (Because that is a lame reason and they can replace you.)
Is it to gossip? Is it fear of judgment?
Is it because you can think of nothing better to do?
Why? Why do you go to church?
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Friday, March 12, 2010
more painful realizations
Today I had lunch with my husband at subway of all places. It's his favorite, so I'm making efforts. I had a roast beef sandwich. It was ok, but the conversation was less than. I really haven't talked with him at all about anything burdening me for some time, particularly about religion. It's been totally off limits. It makes life together bearable. But I miss being able to share my thoughts with him. Mostly, I miss having something that connects us emotionally. I know we have our children, but is that enough?
This last week I had the opportunity to spend some time with my oldest sister. I don't even know what we were talking about, but whatever it was made me think about the Osmond boy who recently committed suicide. When I first read it my heart literally ached- for like days. I know that he was a mormon and that he was gay. Beyond that I really know nothing about him. I can only assume that he was not accepted by his community, his family, or his network of friends and aquaintances. See, in the mormon faith homosexuality is a sin and not tolerated or accepted. As much as they preach about such principles as loving thy neighbor as thyself, it is not actually practiced.
This is going to sound out there because I have absolutely nothing in common with this kid, but I feel like I do. I know how difficult it is to long to be something other than what you are and to want acceptance from family and friends. I know what it is like to feel alone and to not feel like you fit in or have anyone to talk to. I know what it is like to be judged by those you love who are closest to you. I know what it is like to feel like you are in the depths of despair and that there is no other way out. It is a painful, lonely place. I know because I have been there.
As I talked with my sister about this she defended the position of the church. She said that he didn't have to change who he was. He just needed to practice restraint and to not act on his desires, that if he could do that he would have an entire network of support. "We must bridle our passions." Am I the only one who thinks this response is ludicrous? I can't help but think how crazy and judgmental that sounds... maybe if he was accepted as he was this could have been prevented. She didn't see it quite like that, something about the choices he had. According to her it had nothing to do with the mormons. I went on to say that the church is imperfect in many of their teachings. To which she replied, "The church is perfect, the people aren't." If I hear this phrase one more time I may just scream. I could see that nothing I said was going to make us see eye to eye, so I stopped.
I've been thinking about this conversation for days now and so I decided to take the opportunity to talk with my husband about it over lunch. I don't know why I was surprised, but he had the same response as my sister. It was not fault of the church or their teachings or the people in it... he chose that. He also said that now his family will carry guilt and that is not fair to them. I feel bad for the family, but think that maybe they should carry some guilt. Again, this is a boy who struggled to fit in and feel accepted. He battled depression and cried out for help multiple times.
Maybe I am more empathetic due to my history and circumstances, but I really think that mormons are some of the most intolerant, judgmental people I know. It makes me sad to think that this didn't have to be the end for him. He was just 18 years old and had his entire life before him.
I now realize that I may never be able to go back to mormonism. I also realize that as a mormon it is only through conforming to mormon ideals that you are truly accepted and not judged; a very hypocritical way to live one's life, yet seems to be the norm amongst mormons alike.
This has also made me realize that maybe that's why I stayed a mormon for so many years, it's just easier to conform than to break away and think differently or have original thoughts.
I also have realized just how much I have lived to please others and how much I long for other's acceptance of me. It is exhausting to constantly be judged. It wears you down and slowly strips away your self worth. It is lonely to feel that you have no one to talk to that will accept you as you are. And it is scary to have thoughts that go against mainstream.
Attempting to leave the mormon church has been a painful, eye opening experience.
Now I just have to figure out how to exist without it and to not be affected by their constant judgments. Like most things this is easier said than done, as I live with people that don't think as I do on a daily basis. And growing a thicker skin is something that doesn't happen over night.
I'm actually not even sure how to put one foot in front of the other some days, but that is what I am attempting to do as I struggle to find my way. I want to be ok with the voice inside my head, even when it stands alone.
This last week I had the opportunity to spend some time with my oldest sister. I don't even know what we were talking about, but whatever it was made me think about the Osmond boy who recently committed suicide. When I first read it my heart literally ached- for like days. I know that he was a mormon and that he was gay. Beyond that I really know nothing about him. I can only assume that he was not accepted by his community, his family, or his network of friends and aquaintances. See, in the mormon faith homosexuality is a sin and not tolerated or accepted. As much as they preach about such principles as loving thy neighbor as thyself, it is not actually practiced.
This is going to sound out there because I have absolutely nothing in common with this kid, but I feel like I do. I know how difficult it is to long to be something other than what you are and to want acceptance from family and friends. I know what it is like to feel alone and to not feel like you fit in or have anyone to talk to. I know what it is like to be judged by those you love who are closest to you. I know what it is like to feel like you are in the depths of despair and that there is no other way out. It is a painful, lonely place. I know because I have been there.
As I talked with my sister about this she defended the position of the church. She said that he didn't have to change who he was. He just needed to practice restraint and to not act on his desires, that if he could do that he would have an entire network of support. "We must bridle our passions." Am I the only one who thinks this response is ludicrous? I can't help but think how crazy and judgmental that sounds... maybe if he was accepted as he was this could have been prevented. She didn't see it quite like that, something about the choices he had. According to her it had nothing to do with the mormons. I went on to say that the church is imperfect in many of their teachings. To which she replied, "The church is perfect, the people aren't." If I hear this phrase one more time I may just scream. I could see that nothing I said was going to make us see eye to eye, so I stopped.
I've been thinking about this conversation for days now and so I decided to take the opportunity to talk with my husband about it over lunch. I don't know why I was surprised, but he had the same response as my sister. It was not fault of the church or their teachings or the people in it... he chose that. He also said that now his family will carry guilt and that is not fair to them. I feel bad for the family, but think that maybe they should carry some guilt. Again, this is a boy who struggled to fit in and feel accepted. He battled depression and cried out for help multiple times.
Maybe I am more empathetic due to my history and circumstances, but I really think that mormons are some of the most intolerant, judgmental people I know. It makes me sad to think that this didn't have to be the end for him. He was just 18 years old and had his entire life before him.
I now realize that I may never be able to go back to mormonism. I also realize that as a mormon it is only through conforming to mormon ideals that you are truly accepted and not judged; a very hypocritical way to live one's life, yet seems to be the norm amongst mormons alike.
This has also made me realize that maybe that's why I stayed a mormon for so many years, it's just easier to conform than to break away and think differently or have original thoughts.
I also have realized just how much I have lived to please others and how much I long for other's acceptance of me. It is exhausting to constantly be judged. It wears you down and slowly strips away your self worth. It is lonely to feel that you have no one to talk to that will accept you as you are. And it is scary to have thoughts that go against mainstream.
Attempting to leave the mormon church has been a painful, eye opening experience.
Now I just have to figure out how to exist without it and to not be affected by their constant judgments. Like most things this is easier said than done, as I live with people that don't think as I do on a daily basis. And growing a thicker skin is something that doesn't happen over night.
I'm actually not even sure how to put one foot in front of the other some days, but that is what I am attempting to do as I struggle to find my way. I want to be ok with the voice inside my head, even when it stands alone.
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