more painful realizations

Today I had lunch with my husband at subway of all places. It's his favorite, so I'm making efforts. I had a roast beef sandwich. It was ok, but the conversation was less than. I really haven't talked with him at all about anything burdening me for some time, particularly about religion. It's been totally off limits. It makes life together bearable. But I miss being able to share my thoughts with him. Mostly, I miss having something that connects us emotionally. I know we have our children, but is that enough?

This last week I had the opportunity to spend some time with my oldest sister. I don't even know what we were talking about, but whatever it was made me think about the Osmond boy who recently committed suicide. When I first read it my heart literally ached- for like days. I know that he was a mormon and that he was gay. Beyond that I really know nothing about him. I can only assume that he was not accepted by his community, his family, or his network of friends and aquaintances. See, in the mormon faith homosexuality is a sin and not tolerated or accepted. As much as they preach about such principles as loving thy neighbor as thyself, it is not actually practiced.

This is going to sound out there because I have absolutely nothing in common with this kid, but I feel like I do. I know how difficult it is to long to be something other than what you are and to want acceptance from family and friends. I know what it is like to feel alone and to not feel like you fit in or have anyone to talk to. I know what it is like to be judged by those you love who are closest to you. I know what it is like to feel like you are in the depths of despair and that there is no other way out. It is a painful, lonely place. I know because I have been there.

As I talked with my sister about this she defended the position of the church. She said that he didn't have to change who he was. He just needed to practice restraint and to not act on his desires, that if he could do that he would have an entire network of support. "We must bridle our passions." Am I the only one who thinks this response is ludicrous? I can't help but think how crazy and judgmental that sounds... maybe if he was accepted as he was this could have been prevented. She didn't see it quite like that, something about the choices he had. According to her it had nothing to do with the mormons. I went on to say that the church is imperfect in many of their teachings. To which she replied, "The church is perfect, the people aren't." If I hear this phrase one more time I may just scream. I could see that nothing I said was going to make us see eye to eye, so I stopped.

I've been thinking about this conversation for days now and so I decided to take the opportunity to talk with my husband about it over lunch. I don't know why I was surprised, but he had the same response as my sister. It was not fault of the church or their teachings or the people in it... he chose that. He also said that now his family will carry guilt and that is not fair to them. I feel bad for the family, but think that maybe they should carry some guilt. Again, this is a boy who struggled to fit in and feel accepted. He battled depression and cried out for help multiple times.

Maybe I am more empathetic due to my history and circumstances, but I really think that mormons are some of the most intolerant, judgmental people I know. It makes me sad to think that this didn't have to be the end for him. He was just 18 years old and had his entire life before him.

I now realize that I may never be able to go back to mormonism. I also realize that as a mormon it is only through conforming to mormon ideals that you are truly accepted and not judged; a very hypocritical way to live one's life, yet seems to be the norm amongst mormons alike.

This has also made me realize that maybe that's why I stayed a mormon for so many years, it's just easier to conform than to break away and think differently or have original thoughts.

I also have realized just how much I have lived to please others and how much I long for other's acceptance of me. It is exhausting to constantly be judged. It wears you down and slowly strips away your self worth. It is lonely to feel that you have no one to talk to that will accept you as you are. And it is scary to have thoughts that go against mainstream.

Attempting to leave the mormon church has been a painful, eye opening experience.

Now I just have to figure out how to exist without it and to not be affected by their constant judgments. Like most things this is easier said than done, as I live with people that don't think as I do on a daily basis. And growing a thicker skin is something that doesn't happen over night.

I'm actually not even sure how to put one foot in front of the other some days, but that is what I am attempting to do as I struggle to find my way. I want to be ok with the voice inside my head, even when it stands alone.