Ouch

I try to talk to my husband about the things that are most disturbing to me concerning the history of the LDS church and he says I need to be careful what I read and believe to be true. “There are also people that believe that aliens are taking over the earth.” Ouch. Is he really likening my anguish over historical findings with that of a ridiculous sci-fi movie? Does he really think I am that stupid? He goes on to say that if the things pertaining to Joseph Smith were really true that it would be a bigger deal. Maybe he needs to take his head out of his butt long enough to be open to the possibility that there has been information hidden away from members since the 1800s. I attempt to share more of the findings, to which I am attacked verbally. I raise my voice and he hangs up the phone on me. So begins my lovely morning.

Last year when I first read some of the accounts about Joseph Smith’s plural wives my heart was heavy and I was deeply saddened and disturbed to learn about the 14 year old girls and women who were already married that he was secretively coercing with. I was so troubled about my readings that I approached my husband. The first thing he said was, “You mean Brigham Young” to which I replied, “No, Joseph Smith.” We have both been members our entire lives and neither one of us knew that Joseph Smith secretively practiced polygamy. It made me wonder what else we didn’t know that was being covered up by the church. It has only been in the last decade or so that more information has come into light with the help of the world-wide web.

Last night I read the story of a man named Price who was entirely devoted to the church for 38 years, serving a mission and holding many different positions in the church, giving 100% commitment and dedication. His letter really spoke to me personally. “My doubts began as I drove to work one day, listening to Living Scriptures’ Dramatized Church History on CD. I can’t begin to describe the shock and disappointment I felt as I heard, for the first time, the reenactment of Joseph Smith taking Helen Mar Kimball as his polygamous wife at the tender age of 14. The account outlined the involvement of Helen’s father, Heber C. Kimball, in brokering the deal, as well as Joseph’s promise to Helen that this step would virtually guarantee the exaltation of herself and her father’s family in the Celestial Kingdom. Helen concluded that her sacrifice was a small price to "purchase" such a glorious reward. Upon hearing this, my heart sank, and I wept openly.” (You can read the complete story at http://www.exmormon.org/mormon/mormon351.htm.)

He did everything by the book. He fasted, prayed, went to his Bishop for answers, with no avail. He never relied on hearsay or blogs as reliable sources of information. He went straight to church materials. He read church periodicals, diaries, autobiographical sketches, journals, and correspondences. He found factual documents that confirmed Joseph Smith marrying 11 women that were already married to other men. These findings, along with many others, deeply disturbed him and eventually led him away from the church. How could a loving God allow a man to break a commandment and commit adultery? Or to covet thy neighbor’s wife? Joseph didn’t choose older widowed women like described by the church. Instead he chose, beautiful young women (teenagers- some as young as 14 years of age and many in their 20s; some already married) to have his way with. He secretively had relations with them without his wife’s knowledge or consent.

“There is another piece of evidence you might consider in examining Joseph Smith's sexual behavior. The following excerpt is from a love letter Joseph Smith wrote when he wanted to arrange a liaison with Newel K. Whitney's daughter Sarah Ann, whom Smith had secretly "married." It reveals Smith's cloak-and-dagger approach to his extramarital affairs”: (http://www.i4m.com/think/history/joseph_smith_sex.htm)

"... the only thing to be careful of; is to find out when Emma comes then you cannot be safe, but when she is not here, there is the most perfect safty. ... Only be careful to escape observation, as much as possible, I know it is a heroick undertakeing; but so much the greater friendship, and the more Joy, when I see you I will tell you all my plans, I cannot write them on paper, burn this letter as soon as you read it; keep all locked up in your breasts, my life depends upon it. ... I close my letter, I think Emma wont come tonight if she dont, dont fail to come to night, I subscribe myself your most obedient, and affectionate, companion, and friend. Joseph Smith." - Joseph Smith Handwritten Letter, http://www.xmission.com/~research/family/strange.htm

Joseph not only broke commandments in the name of revelation, but he also lied and deceived his sweet wife, who did nothing but stand beside him regardless of the circumstances presented her. (Can I also add that he was a most horrible speller? ) This was a man who was supposedly called by God to be a prophet. People looked to him for direction and guidance and respected him. They gave up worldly possessions and served lengthy missions if he asked it of them. Now it was required to give up your wife if asked? He was anything but an exemplar person in my eyes, leading a double standard; a hypocrite. Do what I say, not what I do. Is this really the person so revered and respected as the founder of the mormon religion? Why is it that more mormons are not appalled by the magnitude of Joseph Smith's transgressions? Or the fact that he went to such lengths to hide them? It has completely and utterly stopped me in my tracks.

Price said he agreed with Pres. Hinckley’s assessment that either “the church is perfect or it is a fraud.” He goes on to say that according to Pres Hinckley “every historical claim, every revelation, every verse of scripture, every prophetic utterance, every divinely sanctioned act “ is true. Like Price, based on factual church documents regarding historical aspects of the church, particularly that of revelations, I am left with the realization that it is not all true.

It is a confusing place to be. Everything I have learned my entire life up to this point has been based on the fact that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God and that he received revelations directly from God. It is the entire foundation of the mormon faith really. If these things are not true, I have been deceived and the mormon religion is indeed a fraud. My heart is laden with grief.

I feel so lost and wish that I had my companion by my side through this difficult time. It is really the only thing that links us together and one of the driving reasons we married in the first place. He is devoted to the church and has a strong testimony in the LDS teachings. He says I am trying to push him away and persuade him to leave the church. This is not the case at all. I would just like some support, but maybe that is too much to ask. Whenever I talk with him about my troubled soul or recent findings I am merely seeking a listening ear, perhaps a little validation. Instead I am challenged and met with antagonistic responses. It is exhausting and can only be damaging to our marriage. Perhaps I need to seek out others for support and leave him out of this equation, as painful as that seems in the moment.

It is all just too painful: my new found knowledge, the feeling of betrayal, the disconnection from my spouse, the guilt over leaving, questioning things that I once believed to be true, the loss of former associations...

I wish there was a magical band-aid that could be put on the "OUCH" I feel to take away the pain and torment. It would sure make things easier. Unfortunately it is a process and I know that the only way to heal is to keep at it. Maybe time does heal all things?