This is not going to be a post full of deep quotes or philosophical insights even though I know there are endless amounts available. Instead I wanted to just share my simple thoughts that keep me awake at night.
We’ve all sat through the fast and testimony meetings and heard the typical stories about some miracle in a person’s life based on a humble prayer. They pray that their car will start and it does. Or they feel inner turmoil and are given peace. They pray for healing and are miraculously cured. Those sorts of things. But never have I ever once heard how someone prayed for something and it didn’t happen. It seems strange to me considering that most of the prayers uttered are more likely not answered than are. It also leads to me to wonder how many prayers are merely coincidences. Maybe the car would have started regardless of whether that prayer was offered. People find peace from external factors and are healed thanks to doctors and modern medicines and advances (no prayers). On the flip side, many people’s cars don’t start even with prayers because they are a hunk of junk. And families lose loved ones regardless of whether or not prayers are offered on their behalf, such is the cycle of life.
As I review the course of my life, I’m not convinced that I have ever received answers to prayers. I’ve prayed for over 10 years now that we could move to a warmer climate out of this wretched, frozen tundra they call Iowa, perhaps closer to family. Am I praying wrong? Am I asking for too much? I’ve been told repeatedly that I needed to fine tune my prayers and be more specific, that perhaps there was a greater lesson to be learned here. I’ve even been told that I lacked faith.
I’ve also prayed for 3 years now that we would be able to sell our 2nd home in Utah. Not only have my prayers not been answered, but the circumstances have increasingly gotten worse and worse with every prayer uttered until I am left to believe that not only are my prayers not being heard or answered, but that this house is literally a curse from hell.
Does this mean that I am a bad or evil person? Or does this mean that circumstances do not allow us to move away or sell our Utah home? So many factors go into play regarding both. The decisions and choices made by bankers and politicians have directly influenced the economy which have in turn affected the drop in home sales and decrease in market values. Would it have really mattered what I prayed for 3 years ago as the market was heading towards a recession based on other's choices?
Yet the scriptures are full of stories of miracles. When I read those stories it is hard for me to imagine that a loving God could not make these things possible for me? Our desires are good and we have always been devout Christians. We always wanted to live somewhere that we were not the minority, that my children could have friends who shared similar values and morals, and that employment was available to provide (but would have settled for a considerable pay cut).
But I have given up on prayer, at least at this point in my life. After one prays repeatedly with no response, it’s hard to believe it is anything but a vain attempt. It leaves me feeling empty and more alone and I’d rather talk to a wall. So this leads me back to the age old question. Is there really a God? And if so, why has he abondoned me?
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i agree that people rarely talk about the numerous prayers that were unanswered. as you know though, throughtout all that stuff we went through 3 years ago....there was MUCH prayer, going to the temple, fasting, etc....we were doing our best to be GOOD people too, and even went overboard! that was a huge issue for us, we felt we had been "lead" to go that path, then just ignored!!! i was angry for a long time, and many things throughout the past 3 years have NOT been good, but on the flip side, jason and i have both grown in ways i'm not sure we would have otherwise. obviously STILL trying to figure things out and put pieces together.
ReplyDeleteone prayer that has been answered is that i am talking with my family again!
anyways, totally understand what you're saying though, just keep on trying to figure it all out!
As a former Mormon (officially resigned) I still believe in prayer. I actually feel more spiritual and closer to God now than I ever did before.
ReplyDeleteThe thing about prayer is that it's not guaranteed that just because you want something you're going to get it. I look at it like a form of communication about where you are, how you're doing, what you need help with. That doesn't mean though that all of your problems will be solved just because you communicate them. It's hard for us to see the big picture from our viewpoint.