Random Thoughts

I'm enjoying my new sense of freedom.

Having said that, I'm also still being plagued with feelings of guilt. Not attending church or wearing garments, watching rated R movies, and occasionally saying a swear word or two seemed like things that would bring instant satisfaction, yet I am still worrying about going to hell or what others might say or think. I don't think these are things that non-mormons would think twice about. I must admit though, love the new undies!

Today the fam and I went tubing in Des Moines. It was a blast. On the way there my sister, Shawna, called me. She wanted to know if we were driving and so I told her we were headed to DesMoines for some tubing. She gave the, "Oh, really" judgmental mom voice. I told her Haldan was on an 8 off and the park was only open on the weekend and we finally caught a break from the rains. I said, "You only live once." She replied, "I hope you don't break your neck and end up paralyzed in a wheelchair. Then you wouldn't be able to live." I think I said something like, "so be it." I wasn't quite sure if the comment was intended to be a slam about breaking the sabbath day or if she was just being a brat. Maybe both.

As much as I'd love to say that I don't care what people think, the comments by my sister today really got to me. (Maybe family comments are worse?) Why can't people just accept others as they are. Why do mormons think that everyone has to be just like them? They have got to be some of the most judgmental people I know. They are constantly trying to convert the world because it is the "one and only true church on the face of the earth." If others don't practice mormonism they won't make it to the "celestial kingdom". They must be converted. Every single time we have missionaries for dinner they want us to give them names of friends and neighbors that they can teach the discussions and convert. I've lived in the mission field (midwest) the better part of my life and after years of the same thing it gets super old. I finally had to start telling them that I would only feed them if they didn't ask for names at our house. We had them over for Easter and they arrived early. I went to let them in, but they were nowhere to be found. Turns out they were tracting our neighborhood in an attempt to share a mormon Easter message. I was super annoyed, but said nothing. These are people who are already committed in their faiths, celebrating the holiday with friends and family, and do they really want mormon missionaries stopping by and bugging them? My guess would be not. They get to go home, but I live by these people.

I actually believe that there are really good people out there that do not attend church. I also believe that there are many churches that are good and God would never deny good christian people from heaven because they are not mormon. Unfortunately it seems to be the general consensus from mormons alike; a very unchristian-like mentality.

My husband has been really great this past week. He has certainly been trying to be understanding and told me that I didn't have to go to church unless I wanted to. The strange thing is that since I stopped going there have been several weeks that he hasn't gone either. In the beginning he made it quite clear that he would take the children and what I did was up to me. Now it seems more and more like he is also looking for excuses to not go. I could be reading it all wrong, but the tubing today was totally his idea. He has said that he does not believe the same way that I do and that he has a strong testimony in the mormon faith, but his actions don't always seem to reflect that.

I have tried to not discuss anything "religion" with him and have been available to be with him when he wants. I've also done my reading and soul searching when he is not around. It seems to be keeping the peace better at home and has made a huge difference in our relationship.