Misplaced.

Turns out my blog name is quite fitting after all.

I couldn't be more lost or feel more alone than I do at this very moment.

Everything I've thought to be true my entire life is crumbling around me and I have nothing to grab to catch my fall.

What is right and wrong? Which direction should I go? Is there such a thing as a wrong path?

So many questions and so few answers.

I fear I'm back to where I started 10 months ago on this journey, like I've done a complete 360 with nothing to show for it.

Who am I? What do I want from this life? What do I want to accomplish? Why do I care so much what others think?

It seems that inner voice is being drowned out by the noise around me.

It's all I can do to keep on. But I'm trying. Cause that's all I've got right now.

I'm Back!

Sorry it's been so long.

It was easier to not even think for a while. Plus it made marital relations much more harmonious and bearable.

But we're back at it.

And I feel myself slipping into another funk.

I need to talk. To anyone. Without judgment.

More than anything else in this entire world... More than my desire for world peace or a master's degree or plastic surgery...

I want to be free!

I want to be able to live MY life as I want. I want to LIVE!

And as hard as I try, I just can't seem to do it.

I fear I will always have this piece of me that will always be plagued by mormonism in one way or another.

Will I ever truly find me? The person under it all? Beneath the fears and insecurities?

Sigh.

This thought has plagued me for a couple weeks now. I just can't shake it.

And every time I allow myself to dwell on it my face dumps these giant crocodile tears.

I am overwhelmed and saddened by the harsh reality of it all.

I want to be magically transported into a new dimension.

But alas, this is my fate.

Why does one attend church?

After months of not going to regular Sunday services I decided to go with the family this past Sunday. I had bought the children Easter outfits only to learn that Easter and General Conference fall on the exact same day. So, I opted to attend the week before Easter.

It turned out to be fast and testimony Sunday, a time when anyone can get up and share their testimony. One brother stood and I instantly knew what was coming. All suspicions proved true as he professed to be a doctor of sorts without any medical degree spewing all sorts of odd information about vitamins and herbs and the uses they possess. After almost 10 minutes of this nonsense I decided I had had enough and I exited the chapel. Unfortunately my husband had the keys, so all I could do was walk the halls. The ridiculous so-called testimony continued, as it can be heard in all parts of the church. After "milk is poison" I consciously stopped listening until the very end after he had closed his testimony "in the name of Jesus Christ". He then uttered, "and I can back up all of this with documentation." I wish so much I was in there and had raised my hand to ask for it at that very moment, but no... nothing like that. I just shook my head and continued to wonder why I was there.

I was missing my yoga class for this?

Then a second man arose to bear his testimony. Again, nothing related to church or anything spiritual on any level... a bunch of crap about who knows what. I again tuned it out.

Luckily my son had a soccer game and it gave us an early out. After sacrament we left.

The very next day my visiting teachers dropped in. (Code: bring your kids and let them destroy my house.) This particular time there were only 2 children who were actually pretty well behaved, but on numerous occasions I have had as many as 6 children when mine were in school. My home became something of a daycare and it was never quite the same when they left as when they arrived.

After visiting for a short while they told me they had found a message they wanted to share with me. This particular month she had chosen her very own message from a previous conference talk. I can think of many things that could be shared that might have been uplifting to me or of some value, but the message they shared was absolutely not- either.

She proceeds to tell me that she just loved this talk. The apostle said that "in the last days the very elect will be deceived." She then goes on to say, "You need to be reading your book of mormon daily so that you don't fall prey to this. It is also your responsibility to teach your children all they need to know because you will be held ultimately responsible."

Seriously? Of all the messages she could share this is what she chooses? Does she not know that I have heard this at least a hundred times already? A very inappropriate message... insensitive in every way. Do they think they are better than me? If so, it only further proves my argument that mormons are the most judgmental people I know.

Why not just shoot me now because I'm certain I'm going to hell!

We talked briefly about the testimony meeting the previous day and I told her that it was definitely not great and that I wouldn't be back anytime soon. "I go to church to be spiritually fed and this didn't do it for me."

She then says that she has decided it is up to us as individuals to fill our own spiritual cups and that we cannot rely on others to do that for us.

So, then- I am left with only one question, Why do we even go to church if it is not to be fed spiritually? If we go with the intentions of not having our cups filled- then why? We can fill our own cups at home or at Yoga or from a book. Then why?

It seems asinine to me, which is exactly what I told her- to which I felt bad then saying it in front of a 2 year old and a baby. I apologized, but in all honesty... there is no other word for it.

If we don't go to church to be uplifted or fed spiritually... if we leave feeling worse than when we went...

What is the purpose? Why then does one attend church?

Is it to socialize? (Because I can think of many people I'd rather spend my time with.)

Is it out of fear? (Because I'm already going to hell regardless- according to them.)

Is it to fulfill a calling? (Because that is a lame reason and they can replace you.)

Is it to gossip? Is it fear of judgment?

Is it because you can think of nothing better to do?

Why? Why do you go to church?

more painful realizations

Today I had lunch with my husband at subway of all places. It's his favorite, so I'm making efforts. I had a roast beef sandwich. It was ok, but the conversation was less than. I really haven't talked with him at all about anything burdening me for some time, particularly about religion. It's been totally off limits. It makes life together bearable. But I miss being able to share my thoughts with him. Mostly, I miss having something that connects us emotionally. I know we have our children, but is that enough?

This last week I had the opportunity to spend some time with my oldest sister. I don't even know what we were talking about, but whatever it was made me think about the Osmond boy who recently committed suicide. When I first read it my heart literally ached- for like days. I know that he was a mormon and that he was gay. Beyond that I really know nothing about him. I can only assume that he was not accepted by his community, his family, or his network of friends and aquaintances. See, in the mormon faith homosexuality is a sin and not tolerated or accepted. As much as they preach about such principles as loving thy neighbor as thyself, it is not actually practiced.

This is going to sound out there because I have absolutely nothing in common with this kid, but I feel like I do. I know how difficult it is to long to be something other than what you are and to want acceptance from family and friends. I know what it is like to feel alone and to not feel like you fit in or have anyone to talk to. I know what it is like to be judged by those you love who are closest to you. I know what it is like to feel like you are in the depths of despair and that there is no other way out. It is a painful, lonely place. I know because I have been there.

As I talked with my sister about this she defended the position of the church. She said that he didn't have to change who he was. He just needed to practice restraint and to not act on his desires, that if he could do that he would have an entire network of support. "We must bridle our passions." Am I the only one who thinks this response is ludicrous? I can't help but think how crazy and judgmental that sounds... maybe if he was accepted as he was this could have been prevented. She didn't see it quite like that, something about the choices he had. According to her it had nothing to do with the mormons. I went on to say that the church is imperfect in many of their teachings. To which she replied, "The church is perfect, the people aren't." If I hear this phrase one more time I may just scream. I could see that nothing I said was going to make us see eye to eye, so I stopped.

I've been thinking about this conversation for days now and so I decided to take the opportunity to talk with my husband about it over lunch. I don't know why I was surprised, but he had the same response as my sister. It was not fault of the church or their teachings or the people in it... he chose that. He also said that now his family will carry guilt and that is not fair to them. I feel bad for the family, but think that maybe they should carry some guilt. Again, this is a boy who struggled to fit in and feel accepted. He battled depression and cried out for help multiple times.

Maybe I am more empathetic due to my history and circumstances, but I really think that mormons are some of the most intolerant, judgmental people I know. It makes me sad to think that this didn't have to be the end for him. He was just 18 years old and had his entire life before him.

I now realize that I may never be able to go back to mormonism. I also realize that as a mormon it is only through conforming to mormon ideals that you are truly accepted and not judged; a very hypocritical way to live one's life, yet seems to be the norm amongst mormons alike.

This has also made me realize that maybe that's why I stayed a mormon for so many years, it's just easier to conform than to break away and think differently or have original thoughts.

I also have realized just how much I have lived to please others and how much I long for other's acceptance of me. It is exhausting to constantly be judged. It wears you down and slowly strips away your self worth. It is lonely to feel that you have no one to talk to that will accept you as you are. And it is scary to have thoughts that go against mainstream.

Attempting to leave the mormon church has been a painful, eye opening experience.

Now I just have to figure out how to exist without it and to not be affected by their constant judgments. Like most things this is easier said than done, as I live with people that don't think as I do on a daily basis. And growing a thicker skin is something that doesn't happen over night.

I'm actually not even sure how to put one foot in front of the other some days, but that is what I am attempting to do as I struggle to find my way. I want to be ok with the voice inside my head, even when it stands alone.

Breaking the cycle.

As I pull farther away from the mormon ways and the mormon mentality I find myself pulling away from everyone and anyone that is connected or associated with mormonism; perhaps subconscious in nature- a sort of coping mechanism if you will.

My mother called me the other day and we chatted for a while. Then she told me that she missed me. I made up some excuse as to why I haven't been available, but I guess I didn't even realize that I had stopped calling, maybe even stopped answering.

Talking to my mother has never been easy for me. Over the years we talked on an almost daily basis and most times ended with tears or feelings of guilt or frustration on my part. She is a very controlling person and without even realizing it she judges. She judges everything- both your thoughts and your actions. I have never truly been allowed to be me or to think for myself. The conversations were only good when we talked about things she wanted to or I agreed with her on whatever subject matter it was for that day. It is exhausting, always trying to please someone for fear of their judgment.

The one thing I fear most in the whole world is the thought that I am becoming her. And just admitting that makes me feel like such a horrible person. It's not that she's a bad person. She has many good qualities. She is kind, thoughtful, giving, generous, organized, and intelligent, as well as many other things that most people adore about her.

But she was never warm and fuzzy. I don't remember ever having much affection as a child. Dad was gone a lot traveling and she ran the show alone most of the time. She kept pretty much to herself and made sure we understood that "you don't air your dirty laundry." She never played with me or my siblings- perhaps there was never any time with all the gardening, canning, and running children here or there. She never accepted orthodox medicine and to this day is still in denial about her own mental health issues. The one thing that most disturbs me is the degree of control she exhibits over me. I am married with children. When will it stop?

I am trying desperately to allow my children to make choices for themselves and to teach them that it's ok to question things, but there are days that it is hard for me. I am a perfectionist and like to have things a certain way. There are days I have let my daughter do her own hair or dress herself only to worry that people will think less of me as a mother.

I would like to break the cycle, but I'm not sure how. And for whatever reason, I associate her imperfections and personality flaws with her being mormon. It may or may not be connected, but it makes me want to have nothing to do with her right now.

It leaves me in a lonely place, as I struggle to figure out my place in this world minus mormonism.

Chicken.

I haven't written in some time now. I guess I needed a break. Although my mind doesn't seem to rest much, it's been in over-drive lately and I needed to let it process the material already input before I added more. It might even be time to do some purging of files up there. It's pretty full. Wouldn't it be great if it was really that easy? I do think our minds are amazing, having the capability and capacity to take in such massive amounts of information and somehow process and store all of it.

This weekend I had an opportunity to visit with family. I was prepared for some sort of confrontation, but I got there and realized that it was not the right time. My dad was celebrating his birthday and I wanted the weekend to be about him. So, in other words- I chickened out. I bunked with my sister and tried really hard to keep things light and fun. It was a success, or so I thought.

Last night I called her to ask a quick question and before I hung up she asked me what was going on. I said, "nothing." To which she boldy asked, "Why are you not wearing your garments?" I was very discreet and always covered. I never thought it would be an issue.

I was a bit surprised by the fact that she noticed and that she was actually asking. I wasn't quite sure what to say. I was totally on the spot. I have been accused of being confrontational and I really don't want that right now in my life, especially after such a nice weekend.

I took a deep breath and just told her that I didn't believe and that there was no point in my wearing them. She wanted more, but that was all I was willing to give.

There was a long pause on the phone and then she said, "Well, I just want you to know that I will love you regardless of what you believe." I told her I appreciated those words, which I do. I'm just not 100% convinced that she means them.

She also doesn't know the full extent of my feelings and I know that there are no secrets in my family. Everyone knows everyone's business. I'm pretty good about not spreading gossip. I hate it. There have been times that one of my sisters will share a secret and ask me not to tell anyone only to keep it to myself and then find out 3 years later that everyone already knew.

So, I'm worried now that within weeks or maybe even days everyone will know this about me. I'm worried most because there is a girl's trip planned for April and I would really like to go and not have any issues or contention.

I also know that as much as mormons try not to, they all judge. In the new testament there are several different times that they talk about this very thing. "Judge not, that you be not judged. For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you." -Matthew 7:1-2

As much as I love my family, at times it seems like it would be so much easier to be in a family where you truly are accepted for who you are regardless of differences.

My mother has some sort of strange powerful control over all of us. I ended up at church even though I totally didn't want to go and dreaded every minute. If I didn't have church clothes she was sure to find them for me.

During sacrament my sister who had already left texted me about the obese woman sitting on top of her. I was trying to comfort her and we texted back and forth for a while. I thought my mom would blow a gasket because I was "texting" during church. Seriously? I'm 37. I'm at church. What more does she want?

Let me make my own decisions and stop judging me. Stop making me feel guilty for not believing what you believe. I am a big girl now and need to be treated as such.

I wish so much I could voice those thoughts, instead I share them on an anonymous blog.

I am a big chicken.

my head hurts.

When I decided to take a break from church I immediately did what I do best... research. When I don't know something and no one seems willing to share answers, google never lets me down. I'm so thankful for the immediate gratification. My mind can be insatiable at times.

My eyes have been opened. It's an amazing process to finally become aware that everything you've thought to be true your entire life may in fact not be. It's a confusing place to be as you reflect on the past and attempt to live in the present with the new found realizations. I have never lived outside of the mormon bubble, if you will. What now?

After weeks of reading and not sleeping well as my mind tries to process all of this information... I've decided my head hurts. I'm tired of all this thinking. Although I realize that it is imperative to the healing process, I also think a break from all this thinking is in order.

I'm sure as hard as I try there will be nights, such as this one, that my mind doesn't want to turn off. Maybe I need to allow some time to fully process everything I've taken in before I introduce new material. One thing at a time, that is enough for now.

"Insanity is often the logic of an accurate mind overtasked." -Oliver W. Holmes, Sr., The Autocrat of the Breakfast-Table, 1858